Written by Neil Levine
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Monday, 8 August 2005

image for Tom Cruise Still Battling---This Time With Lauren Bacall, Brooke Shields And Other Famous Babes
Look Ma, No Hands! Let's Get Ready To Rumble!

Africa, Europe (Cheltenham, Rome, etc.), U.S. (Athens, N.Y., Hollywood, etc.) and Mars Intergalactically---Fresh from his thrilling victory defending itsy bitsy teeny weeny Dakota Fanning from nasty blood curdling Martians, Tom Cruise battling fever has broken out anew all over the place as he has just become the victim of a verbal assault by Lauren Bacall, the living Hollywood legend herself, once known for posing glamourously on a stand up piano as President Harry S. Truman tinkled the ivories.


The widow of Humphrey Bogart (of "Battling Bogart" fame) has accused Tom C. of being "vulgar, shocking, inappropriate, low class, commercial," precisely the things Hollywood stands for and has stood for since the time of, well, Thomas Alva Edison, if not "The Great Train Robbery" and Sarah Bernhardt. So precisely who does he think he is? Possibly a Hollywood glamour puss! Or at least the IT boy. A stud in the rough and tumble world of cinematic publicity!


Mr. Cruise may not be at a loss for words since he is also simultaneously locked in heated disputes with Nicole Kidman, Mimi Rogers, Penelope Cruz, Brooke Shields, unruly fans, evil alien predators, Martian invaders, bad Samurai horse riders, organized religion, psychiatric medicine dispensaries, Oprah Winfrey's couch and super soaker jokers, amongst others. (In the background we hear "The Theme From Rocky: Gonna Fly Now" by Bill Conti playing subliminally.)


Tom has reportedly been practicing his biting remarks, his sharp retorts, his low blows, his back stabbing, his witty jabs and his blunt trauma attacks on egos smaller than his.


"No more Mr. Nice Guy. Jerry McGuire is ancient history. Shame on You! Those Foolish Things will get you a ticket to Pleasantville in a Penny Dreadful plot," Tom shouted as he checked out of the seventh floor of Rome's Hassler Hotel with his new squeeze, Katie The Cutie Holmes. ("One Night In Bangkok" is playing in the background!) Mr. Cruise, it should be pointed out, has had a habit of making a movie or two with the lady in his life, perhaps explaining the current series of imbroglios.


He has issued a challenge through his PR apparatus to "bring it on, baby. Let me at ‘em. I'll make them feel like limp toast. They're gonna look like they've just been razzied ma tazzied."


"Lauren Bacall is one of the most nepotism prone people in the biz. Just tell her you're a relative and she'll make calls and talk to the voices behind the answering machines. No job is too small or paycheck too big for H E R famiglia!"


Is this Wedding Season or just another Mission Impossible for Tom C. who has just spent 300Gs for three weeks of shacking up? Only his father confessor knows for sure!

As they say in the biz, "Bring it on, Baby!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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