INNER SANCTUM, SANCTORUM - THE VATICAN: Future Popatus contender, Chief Cardinal-Scoundrel Burl O'Scooney has just released the 2010 list of The Bible's 10 Most Powerful Women. Perhaps Burl O'Scooney felt that some magnanimous gesture towards more than half of disenfranchised humankind would increase ratings in the religious sweeps race. After all the Ratfinker seems to put his Manolo Blahniks into his gaping maw at every turn.
And so, to nobody's surprise, given the time of year, the roll-call is headed by none other than - (drum roll please) - Saint Ismeria, the great-grandmother of Jesus! Who dat?
Saint Ismeria, we are told also descended from the line of David and was first presented by the frock-wearing Church dudes as a role model for older women during the 14th and 15th centuries. A much more benign model than the other poor mentally disturbed, schizophrenic saintly models who drank the pus from soldiers' sores; wore hairy nightshirts and flagellated themselves with cat-o-nine tails; chose to be horribly blinded and mutilated rather than say "Uncle" and kept their legs tightly closed despite being crushed by Iron Maidens and other medieval Church-approved instruments of torture.
Small wonder then that il Signore Burl O'Scooney gazed out over his flock of feckless followers to declare with extreme lilting piety:
"Toora-loora loora! Today God has revealed to us another of his miracles - the great-grandmother of our very own favorite guy - Jesus himself. We praise God for supporting our biggest myth. Tiddlee-dee and pass the potatoes - amen".
Yes, in an ever changing world the cult of men has actually conceded the existence, nay, the relevance of child-bearing women in ante-Jesus times. After all if Saint Ismeria hadn't performed her begottens, the virgin-birth of Jesus' Mama would never have happened and where would our holy men be then - pray tell.
Turns out that this mystery was apparently unraveled by an out-of-work Euro-Union Florentine historian who had spent years gazing at some medieval manuscripts only to shout "Eureka" when God suddenly revealed to him another of those Catholic mysteries for which there can never be any rational explanation.
Suffice it to say that this great lady was known for her own miraculous powers - the ability to feed an entire flock of hungry hangers-on on 2 skimpy kippers. Now while this might seem like the greatest of miracles to a male historian, every unemployed housewife has known how to stretch her paltry food budget to feed the family.
In London, female atheists clashed with believers - headed by top poodle Toe-Knee Blare - who sees himself as the next Chosen One, resulting in an all out storm-trooper blitzkrieg by Met cops. Bleeding from her trout pout, leader of the atheist movement, Christine Hitchens angrily declared:
"Talk about using a myth to perpetuate a myth. They can't prove Jesus really existed other than as a concept borrowed from earlier Sumerian and Egyptian virgin-birth, resurrected gods. Now they have concocted another hoax out of thin air - a miracle-making great-grandmother. So finally they've trapped themselves into acknowledging that divine powers are actually down from women to their great-grandsons! Down with these pseudo-religious cross-dressing godmen. Let's one-and-for all stop this hocus-pocus male-dominated mumbo-jumbo"
And in the most opportunistic grab of all, chef Gordo Rumple quickly released what he called The Best Stocking Stuffer, exhorting unhappy retail therapy-seeking gift-givers to grab a few copies:
"This is the Gift of the Year - My new cookbook titled Ancient Fish Recipes from the Bible - featuring 20 Different Ways to Stretch a Sardine; Hearty Herring Hash and my personal favorite Kippers from the Kitchen of Saint Ismeria. You'll f****** love it!"