Written by Morse
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Tuesday, 14 December 2010

image for Revealed: Joran van der Sloot's Christmas Wish List & Shocking Jail House Sex Tape!
A View of Joran in his Peruvian Jail Suite taken by Surveillance Cameras

Tis the season to be jolly, and based on the shocking sex tape just released of van der Sloot's romps with a bevy of married female Peruvian guards, minders, and human rights defenders, it appears that the alleged serial murderer is getting more "attention" than ever before!

Prison officials have not yet reacted to the steamy video of Joran servicing a bevy of middle aged matrons while smiling and waving to the camera, but government officials knowledgeable of Peruvian customs and mores are not surprised.

"He's a very engaging fellow when he's not strangling people," said Percey Montbatten, a UK representative with INTERPOL. "Joran has a golden tongue and can appear charming when he wants to be...and that's most of the time when he's trying to get in some girl's pants and win her over!"

Jail officials did say Joran has been deluged with thousands of proposals for marriage since being jailed in Peru after allegedly strangling one of his conquests that he met in a gambling casino, lured to his room, and then in a fit of pique beat her senseless.

Along with the sex tapes, Joran was able to smuggle out his Christmas Wish List, which was made public by Greta Van Susteran, a former attorney, and now Fox News talking head who has interviewed him on two separate occasions. No one has yet confirmed behind the scenes rumours that Joran's charms may have gotten to Greta, but she seems to have taken more than a healthy interest in the lad.

The list,hand written with little doodles in the margins, which are now being analyzed by
Interpol, express remorse that he has been forced to remain behind bars for a series of incidents that he felt were not his fault.

"If it wasn't for 'those' girls always after me, I coulda been a star on X Factor, " he laments, citing several requests for the rights to his story, a screen play presented by Oliver Stone and a commitment from Sean Penn to play him in the docu drama.

There have been at least 4 requests from the US show "The Bachelor" to have him appear by remote satellite from his cell, with the Producer saying, "if we could land Joran our ratings would go through the roof and we would be hard pressed to limit the number of women who would want to compete for his attention!"

There was a passing reference to being disappointed that Italian Judges had refused a request that he be called as a character witness for Amanda Knox, known as 'Foxy Knoxy', the enigma who was charged and sentenced to a long prison term for allegedly participating in a ritual sex game that wound up like Joran's with a death for a female student.

Knox was forced to make her appeal for clemency in Italy without Joran's presence, and he refused to write a deposition in her defense saying "It's more important for me to be there in her time of need so we can look each other in the eye and for the court to hear me in person so they know how sincere I am!"

In addition to the availability of sex to Joran, it appears he wants for nothing while behind bars. According to a jail official, in addition to the proposals of marriage, reams of cash in all denominations are flooding in including US dollars, English pounds, lots of Euros, and a bunch of Rubles, although the officials are severely discounting them due to the exchange rate.

The money, even with 55% being taken off the top by the jail administrators, has enabled him to safely live in an en suite room, have ample food prepared by a private chef, have his laundry done twice a day, and have the surveillance cameras turned off when he demands privacy during his "interviews' with his female warders and "self esteem" coaches.

It's also reported that the prison pharmacy has severely cut down the amount of Viagra available to other prisoners, in order to keep up with Joran's needs, especially since he's been paying cash.

When asked what his biggest regret was, Joran paused for a minute, than said wistfully, talking about the girl he killed in Peru, " I just wish I had had enough time to bury her properly, we wouldn't be talking here then, would we!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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