Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 8 December 2010

image for Tenth Annual Yellow Snowman Competition Begins
The sporting entry from the OB&G in Calgary before coloration

Hosted this year by Oasis Bar & Grille locations around the world, patrons are gearing up for the tenth annual Yellow Snowman competition, with prizes to include an open bar tab at any OB&G location for the period of one year.

Started by a group of patrons from one of the first OB&G locations in International Falls, Minnesota, regulars at the pub who were fans of beer and Frank Zappa music, started the original competition. Staged in an open field behind the pub, thanks in large part to the broken or plugged urinals in the men's room, snowmen were lined up and the coloring began. "After that, we started to attract so many competitors each successive year, that we decided to make it an international competition", says pub owner, Peter Evanstreem. "What started as a bunch of guys coloring their own little yellow snowmen has grown into to this huge event."

Allowing for larger snowman displays last year meant that teams could participate for the first time. "That's where picking team members becomes critical", say Evinstream. "If one fella's pee is darker than the others, the judges would deduct points for uneven coloration, but you'll still need enough guys to ensure full coverage".

What started as a men's event, has fallen to local and international pressure to allow women in the competition. The men were clearly pissed, in a manner of speaking. "Well, they have an immediate unfair advantage", Evanstreem says. "They just need to climb a ladder and spray away. Nice, even coverage. Our guys tend to drill holes if they're not careful. The men struggle now in head to head, well actually head to lips competition"

To make up for the increase in competition from the ladies in the Yellow Snowman category, Evanstreem added a new event last year involving a ladder and a block of ice. "This competition will be all about accuracy, consistency and the ability to drill holes in ice with force. Each competitor will be judged on maximum drill depth from a height of 5 feet. The women don't stand a chance".

"It will be tough", said one Canadian competitor. "You'll need to drink beer heavily to create the needed bladder pressure for drilling but the drunkenness will certainly affect your aim as well".

Competition officials are still looking for volunteer judges to sit below the ladder and measure drill depth. Interested parties must own a hooded poncho waterproof goggles and metal ruler. Competitions will be open at all OB&G locations, though Florida and Australia competitors will be at a huge temperature disadvantage. Florida OB&G manager, Captain Morse felt confident however, citing a personal connection to a local hockey rink and the availability of freshly shaved snow. "Nobody is going to stop our group from winning this thing. Our yellow snowman entries will be the biggest and the yellowest", says Morse.

Pictures from each location will be posted for fan voting. In the spirit of Frank Zappa, OB&G management reminds all participants and fans, "Watch out where those Huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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