Canberra, Tues: Leader of the Federal Opposition, Tony Abbott, today handed himself over to Immigration Department authorities, admitting that he was a descendant of boat people who had managed to evade the Australian detention centre protocols set up to ensure that only legitimate refugees are allowed to enter and settle in Australia.
Speaking from his cell in Burley Griffin Remand Centre, Mr Abbott said, "After I appeared on Celebrity Who Do You Think You Are and they traced my ancestors I could no longer deny the awful truth. My ancestors were Boat People. And they had rorted the system."
He said that as a devout Catholic he had no alternative but to pay the penalty his kinfolk had avoided.
"Someone's got to go to the Detention Centre," he said.
Members of the Liberal-National Coalition agreed. "We have a firm policy on illegals," said one member, who spoke to The Spoof on condition that he remain anonymous. "Monk [Mr Abbott] doesn't have a choice."
Asked what he had been doing since his voluntary incarceration, Mr Abbott replied that he had been praying that the Immigration Department would process his application quickly, once he arrived at Christmas Island Detention Centre.
"I'm not asking for preferential treatment," he said, "but I do think my case merits special attention."
Not everyone agrees with Mr Abbott. The Prime Minister, Ms Julia Gillard, said that Mr Abbott was "just another illegal" and would have to "take his chances like everyone else. The Department processes each application individually, in order of arrival. If he's successful, I reckon Tony might be allowed to settle in our great nation in two or three years' time."
During Question Time in parliament, Ms Gillard said, ahead of impending questions about her own background, "FYI, comrades, my folks and I flew in to Australia. That happens on an aeroplane, not a boat. We - unlike the Leader of the Opposition - were definitely not Boat People!"
It is believed that Mr Abbott will be held in the notorious Hut 51 area of Christmas Island when he arrives. But the Prime Minister denied the existence of the Hut 51 area, calling it a media beat-up and the province of "onanistic conspiracy theorists."
IN late-breaking news, Mr Abbott's Dirt Squad has unearthed shocking new evidence that Mr Abbott's entire wardrobe comes from overseas. We understand that the embattled Opposition Leader has made a citizen's arrest and trucked the offending apparel to his local police station.
"It's one law for everything," said Mr Abbott, speaking of what is already being called Boat Clothesgate. He added that when he arrives at Christmas Island in ten days' time all he will be wearing is his favourite pair of Aussie-made budgie smugglers.