The world is stunned by news from Egypt, where officials have closed area beaches because a German woman died Sunday after being attacked by a shark in waters off Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt.
Nice joke, about Egypt being a wonderful place to vacation with just dead carcasses. Where'd you get that one from?
"How the f--k can someone be killed by a shark in Egypt," asked Nicole Lambropoulos, spokesperson for the entire world. "Egypt is a f--king desert. Where are there beaches?"
"It is a common misconception," said Al-Abib Al-Abibenbib, Commander of Egypt's 3-boat Navy. "Most people believe that Egypt only has sand, pyramids and North African savages. Which is mostly true."
The Hyatt Regency resort, which will be sued for zillions, told police the attack happened about noon Thursday (which is 5 a.m. Saturday ET) in a protected swim area off the resort.
Scientists believe that animal carcasses were recently dumped into the Red Sea, not far off the shore. Reports have suggested the remains could have been thrown overboard by a ship carrying animal cargo.
"If you start dumping carcasses, you couldn't ask for a better way of baiting for sharks," said a spokesperson for Egypt's Seashore Tourism Board, which believes that once the beach goes back to being full of just water, sand and dead carcasses, it'll be much better. "That's what our vacationers are used to: Sun, sand and dead cow skeletons."
The 70-year-old woman, a regular guest at the resort before becoming shark-lunch, was snorkeling near a reef when she was attacked. She called for help, and another shark brought her to shore, but she had lost too much blood and resuscitation efforts failed.
"We can't imagine why a shark would eat a 70-year-old woman," said Al-Abibibibib. "I can only imagine she'd taste like stale urine and hemorrhoid cream."
Services will be held at the Mosque of Muhammed Ali, which was built in 1830 to honor the American boxer.