Bethesda, MD-A consortium of doctors from around the world gathered at the US National Institutes of Health to announce that they have discovered the reasons infamous genocidal terrorist Osama Bin Ladin has such a horrendous desire to, as they put it, "Kill Kill Kill!" After examining thousands of photographs of the Muslim meanie, doctors have concluded that it all started in the delivery tent as hapless Osama was dropped on his head at birth.
Neurologists have also concluded that such a natal injury could also account for the apparent agoraphobic tendencies Bin Ladin exhibits by his persistent penchant for seclusion. "Osama can no longer hid the fact that we've begun to figure out just what makes the "human time bomb" tick," elaborated specialist Drs. Turnda, Hedd and Coff at a press conference this week.
Dr. Inova Chutinkin, leading psychiatrist on the team examining Bin Ladin in absentia, divulged many of the reasons believed to behind the aberrant behavior exhibited by the avid annihilator. The consensus is that Osama, a decidedly ugly baby after he fell on his face in the sand during delivery, was understandably neglected by his mother from birth. This lack of tactile stimulation and maternal nurturing caused the wacky warrior to shun human relationships altogether. Malnourishment led to precocious thumb sucking, which in turn led to incessant masturbation. The masturbation digressed into shame, self-denial and low self-esteem. Lack of social interaction produced profound shyness, thereby preventing Osama from developing an interest in the opposite sex. It should be noted, however, that the burqa is also thought to have discouraged Osama early on, as tentative initial explorations under the veil of vanity so repulsed him that he is to this day overcome by nausea at the sight of a woman.
World Health Organization field physiologist Dr. Wehrdahel Arvee, on assignment in Bahmdout, Afghanistan, relayed the following observations to the world press for release. Bin Ladin's life of seclusion, self-denial and self-loathing has contributed to a complete collapse of his personal hygiene. That, plus the fact that it's tough to carry a toiletry bag when you've got so much indispensable weaponry to lug around to begin with. It is estimated that Osama hasn't had a bath since July 19, 2001, months before his most heinous assault on humanity. So, it's logical to assume that brushing and flossing are also out for the "aromatic assailant."
Deplorable eating habits are also attributed to his destructive demeanor. While a pinch of dirt goes with pretty much any type of cuisine, a diet consisting solely of soil does NOT do a body good. Osama is living (and dying) proof of that. Beyond that, he's not one to eat his own words. And it's a tough decision when Osama had a chance encounter with a sheep or a goat. He has to make that difficult decision: dinner or a one-night stand.
But there's a glimmer of optimism amid the cloud of impending doom. The overall opinion of the pragmatic practitioners is that all is not lost; there's still hope for Osama. A good night's sleep, a home-cooked meal, a shower, shave, new set of clothes, a decent, law-abiding job, the love of a good woman…all these things could turn his life around. So far, however, no one has stepped forward to extend the offer to Osama. And it doesn't look like Osama is ready to accept his fatal flaws and seek redemption. That's okay. Maybe he'll catch the Suicide Bomber Syndrome and save us the trouble of taking him out ourselves.