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Sunday, 5 December 2010

image for 174 'Twilight: Eclipse' Viewers Hospitalized By Robert Pattinson / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
ABOVE: Twilight star Robert Pattinson.

Summit Entertainment, the movie studio which has made approximately $905 jillion dollars moistening the panties of young women via the 'Twilight' movie series, has landed in hot water after 174 fans of the new 'Twilight: Eclipse' DVD were hspitalized after listening to the audio commentary recorded by stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

"My daughter was watching the movie while rocking back and forth on a pillow she was sitting on," said Vonetta McGee, whose 18-year-old daughter, Denise Nicholas, was hospitalized after watching the movie. "A few minutes later, she groaned, her eyes rolled up in her head, and she slumped over. I thought she was dead."

The audio commentary, during which the two stars --Pattinson, who plays Dracula, and Stewart, who plays Buffy the Vampire F--ker-- pontificate ad nauseum for more than 2 1/2 excruciating hours, was not tested on live humans before the world was exposed to it. It has been found to have devastating consequences for whomever is subjected to it.

Interestingly, researchers found that men and women are affected differently by the commentary.

"Men, we find, usually become catatonic, after just a few minutes of exposure," said Dr. Erick Janssen, one of the researchers. "Women, however, seem to experience belly pain that produces groaning-type vocalizations, warmth in the lower part of the torso, and a few seconds of what appears to be a minor seizure. We don't know what that is."

Some of the most pain-invoking comments made include:

Pattinson: "Xavier would make a wonderful hamburger, he's just dripping with spread."
Pattinson: "Peter also uses his wig as a cereal bowl... He'll sometimes have some, like, Top Ramen in it."
Pattinson: "I'm Batman."
Pattinson: "Hey, Boo Boo!"
Pattinson: "Come on, eat it! Mmmm, yummy. Butterscotch."

Stewart: "Yeah."
Stewart: "Cool."
Stewart: "Wow."
Stewart: "Yep."
Stewart: "It's... It's... Yeah."

"I'm in the Bizarro World! Who the f--k makes these movies?" asked Keyport, NJ resident Anthony Rosania, whose three daughters are barred from watching the Twilight movies. "I mean, Kristen Stewart looks like a teenaged by who's addicted to meth, and Robert Pattison looks like a f--king albino rhinoceros. How did they get famous?"

Summit Entertainment believes that the suits brought against them could cost them up to $750 million. This huge amount of money doesn't frighten them, however.

"Yeah, $750 million dollars is a lot of money," said Summit co-founder Bernd Eichinger. "That's almost 2 days' worth of 'Twilight' profits."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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