Written by Bill Licks
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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

image for There's no brown Hobbit in the Lord of the Rings la, la, la, la-la
Is it coz I only have size 3 feet?

Small people with brown skin were up in arms today as they were told they are not welcome in Middle Earth.

Chief Hobbit Bilbo Baggins broke the news at a press conference in New Zealand where hundreds of hopefuls auditioned to spend time in the Shire in front of a panel of judges including Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and BNP leader Nick Griffin.

Baggins told reporters 'We welcome short people from all over the world no matter what race or religion they are..... as long as the colour of their skin is not - how should I put it - tainted by the sun.'

'There is no sun in Middle Earth because it's in the middle of the earth.'

'DUH.'

'So you will notice that the colour of a hobbit's skin is milky white.'

'The only time a hobbit's skin is not white is when it has spent the day in Mirkwood, smoking pipe-weed and rummaging around in the mud for mushrooms.'

'Therefore if we invited the people with brown skin into our environment we would tell them that they would have to spend their day wallowing around in shit so as not to stand out and alarm the other hobbits.'

'And I believe they would not like that.'

'So zis decision is for zeir own gut. Ich bin not discriminating. Ich bin only concerned for ze majority of ze population and ze majority of ze population is Weiss.'

Famous vertically challenged brown people have reacted angrily to the midget Ubermensch's comments.

4 foot tall Barack Obama said 'That mo' fucker can kiss my black ass. I don't wanna hang out in some piece of shit middle earth with some big foot, hairy white boy freaks anyway.'

Meanwhile 3 foot 8 inch Taliban leader Osama Bin Laden added 'The infidels of middle earth will pay for these comments. I will act out my revenge by flying my own jet in to their Lord of the Rings Two Towers.'

Director of the Hobbit film Peter Jackson confirmed that there is definitely not a problem with skin colour amongst the creatures of the Shire.

'When I first asked the hobbits who should play Bilbo Baggins in the movie' he said 'over 60 per cent of them requested Gary Colemen from Diff'rent Strokes should be the man.'

'When I told them he wouldn't be available because he was dead they asked for their second choice Herve Villechaize who played Nick Nack in The Man With The Golden Gun.'

'I'm not sure if they were being serious or just taking the piss out of me.'

'They're obnoxious little cunts sometimes, these hobbits.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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