Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Wikileaks, Gum

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

image for WikiLeaks Plugged with Gum; Spearmint, Officials Say
Spearmint. The recommended plugging device.

While the U.S. Department of State scrambles to mitigate the damage caused by the last ouster of Internet tidbits from various embassies around the world, Hillary Clinton has advised her own staff to remove the network cables from office computers and plug them with chewing gum.

National Cyber Security Advisor, Benny Geekman believes that as long as there is a hard line in to any computer, there is a way in. "It is virtually impossible to stop Internet theft or capture. I should know. Those Bill and Monica e-mails were hot!"

Given the growth of personal electronic communication devices across the country and throughout the government, some experts believe that you can't stop the pirating of information. "It is true that the bulk of information, most of which is supposed to be private, can be obtained. I had a blast following Elliot Spitzer around for a while", says Geekman. "The answer is, to unplug from the Internet all together and take our sorry asses back to 1980. Everything pretty much stays private then".

While Geekman admits that plugging the network ports on desktop computers with gum won't really solve the problem, he was successful in making his point. "Think twice about what you write or say, and that's really the crux of it", says Geekman, "Literally everything from voice mail, to shopping patterns to text messages and e-mail is discoverable, and baby, it makes for some great reading!"

Geekman ended our interview after receiving a captured video greeting from Kim Kardashian to her new boyfriend du jour. "This could be HOT!", declared Geekman on his way to the men's room.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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