Dissociated Press -- In a major setback for suicide bombers, the Imam of the Cleveland mosque today issued a fatwa, or religious ruling, stating that suicide bombers must carry a current driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance if they expect to receive the seventy houri (eager virgins) in the afterlife. Subway bombers must likewise pay their fare and not jump turnstiles, or break other rules, such as chewing gum, or eating on the subway prior to detonating their "package."
Imam Fawaz Damra, implicated in payola schemes to boost Muslim artists played on Cleveland radio stations in 1994, issued the fifteen page typewritten fatwa last Thursday. Fundamental terrorists world-wide were stunned at the new requirements imposed on would-be martyrs (Shaheed) For instance, if a gate agent asks a terrorist the purpose of the intended travel, e.g., "business or pleasure" the terrorist is required to accurately answer "hi-jacking in support of Jihad." Even conservative Imams were shocked.
According to U.S. General Tommy Franks, "This will definitely slow these guys down. After all, we flattened the Baghdad and Fallujah DMV offices a while back. Trying to get your license renewed around here is like, well, waiting for the electricity to come back on. So now, in addition to having to round up a couple hundred pounds of C4, and a naive younger cousin to drive the thing, they'll have to wait in line like everyone. If they can get on the web at some Baghdad coffeehouse they might be able to procure insurance at Geico.com, but that won't help them any with plates or registration."
According to Christian beliefs, telling your brother "You fool" is the moral equivalent of committing murder. All sins are considered equal in the eyes of Allah. Suicide car and truck bombers will now be required to stop at all stop signs, obey speed limits, and carry all required documentation unless they want an inferior afterlife, according to the Fatwa.
Critics charge the "real reason" for the Fatwa is that too often, martyrs were using their NEIGHBOR'S pickup truck or car to perform their mission, leaving the poor schmoe with no way to search the city dump, or bring home scraps of wood for the fireplace. "Just saying 'In the name of Allah' doesn't make it so," said one Islamic scholar.
Terrorist groups such as Hizbollah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and others reacted to the Fatwa in a variety of ways. Hamas indicated that because their primarily "pedestrian mode" of suicide bombings eliminates the need for "Anything besides staying in the crosswalk they would be largely unaffected. Islamic Jihad indicated they would consult their own Imam. Al-Quaeda, as reported in another story, has reportedly attempted to procure license plates from New Hampshire in order to comply with the Fatwa.