Written by Willie Fatwah
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Thursday, 28 July 2005

image for Suicide Bombers Causing Virgin Shortage in Paradise
lowering the bar for "virginity"

PARADISE - Officials in Paradise are confirming a serious shortage of virgins during the past six months. "This is the first time anyone here can remember such a shortfall in the availability of virgins. Many people are quick to blame the large number of suicide bombers trying to secure their place in Paradise - each along with their allotment of 80 virgins. Others place the blame on a general decline in the availability of girls who can meet the rigid standards."

There is little doubt that the large number of recent martyrs has exacerbated the problem in Paradise. The governing council has suggested several solutions to help alleviate the problem:

(1) Reduce the award of virgins to a more manageable figure. Some suggest fifty; others suggest as few as fifteen. One has to really wonder if recruitment for martyrs would seriously decline as the reward of virgins in Paradise dwindle in number. How many young men are going to strap a nail-laden bomb on their back knowing that he might be rewarded with only a very small number of virgins. One potential suicide bomber was heard to say, "My limit is sixty. If I can't be assured that at least sixty virgins are waiting for me in paradise, well… let somebody else carry out that bombing. I'm no fool!"

(2) Reduce the requirements for "virginity" so that the overall number of available "virgins" is suddenly boosted to a level that can keep up with the number of martyrs arriving in Paradise daily. Allowing women who have worked in prostitution for less than six months to still qualify as "virgins" has been suggested by several council members.

In a recent survey, 58% of people favored the lowering of the virginity standard over reducing the number of "real" virgins. "Hey, if I just had my backside ripped to shreds by a nail bomb, I'm not going to be too fussy over the quality of the virgins that are waiting for me in Paradise, just so long as I get the full eighty - not one less!"

Another man on the street said, "I think the whole thing about virgins is way overblown. To tell the truth, I'd rather have eighty girls that have some experience, but not too much experience if you know what I mean. The idea is to have a great time in Paradise. Right?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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