The World Health Organization (WHO)has issued warnings to every major country's health departments regarding the spread of the deadly Asian gerbil flu. Two cases of the flu have already been confirmed, one just outside of Phuket, Thailand and one just across the border in a small unpronounceable town in Malaysia. A possible third case is being investigated on a suspected pirate ship somewhere off the coast of Somalia.
Physicians from WHO claim that although they know nothing about this particular strain of the gerbil flu, they say it is deadly, and are advising people who live in the affected areas to take the necessary precautions at once to prevent the spread of this insidious disease. All shipments of gerbils from Asia have been discontinued as it has not yet been confirmed exactly how the disease spreads, i.e. if it can be contracted by simply getting close enough to a gerbil after it has sneezed or if the gerbils carry it on their fur and spread the flu upon being handled.
So far, all three cases have affected young men in their 20's, which is quite perplexing to the WHO. "Normally, these types of flu affect the very young and the very old, but in this particular case, only young men in the prime of their sexual lives are being affected by this strain of flu," said Milton Hornyacre, chief researcher in control of the WHO's gerbil flu investigative team.
For the time being, the WHO is asking everyone to avoid contact of any kind with gerbils. If anyone begins to exhibit the unusual signs of the disease, including a gnawing sensation in the pit of the stomach, uncontrollable erections, and/or increased sexual desire, they should report these symptoms to their private physicians immediately.