Pat McGroyne, a native of Knoblick, Georgia, currently living with his mother, Freida Peoples, in Cazadero, claims that he has indisputable evidence that President George W. Bush is his father.
Moving to Sonoma County last April after shutting down the family business (a combination bowling alley and funeral parlor called "Caskets 'n Pins"), the 32-year-old McGroyne was advised of his paternal heritage by Ms. Peoples, who is suffering from terminal Hebephrenia, which she contracted where she was raised in Slidell, Louisiana which she still calls home. "I wanted Pat to (sic) larn the truth about his daddy (sic) afore I (sic) ex-spires" wheezed the frail, retired CitiBank bookkeeper, who recently lost her retirement and "thirty or forty of mah closest men-friends" as a result of Citi's recent financial debacle.
Also a long-time intimate of the senior Bush, Ms. Peoples revealed she had a one-night stand with Dubya and "a dozen or so of his Skull & Bones buddies from ol' Eli" when they cut school to drive down to Knoblick from New Haven for a friend's funeral and ended up snorting meth and bowling uncontrollably 'til dawn. It was before the days when A.M.F. changed the sport with technological advances like automatic ball returns, and Ms. Peoples worked in the pits as a pin setter/ball returner, a job which exacerbated the Hebephrenia she picked up from her "pappy 'n all my uncles an' half my aunties - they were all sellin' cars up at the auto lots and never once shut up from dusk to dawn."
She explains that "It was also the night I got invited to relocate in Connecticut - I guess they liked the way I gripped the necks of their pins", she said, chuckling between spasms.
McGroyne said he hasn't contacted his new-found dad yet, but plans to hit him up for the bus fare from Knoblick to Santa Rosa and "a few bucks for a bottle o' Jim Beam." "I been lookin' for a good Jew-lawyer, but so far, all I been findin' is Armenians", advised McGroyne, who also plans to "fix up ma's kitchen with some Martha Stewart curtains" and then "buy a few feisty roosters an' look for some Meskins who like to gamble. "