Written by Kid Icarus
Print this
Topics: Sex, Pope, Vatican

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

image for The Pope is diagnosed with a sexual disorder

VATICAN CITY - The Vatican insist that the Pope's commitment to truth are nothing more than "revolutionary," but others think Pope Benito Santos is nothing more than a lunatic.

Just a year after he said he was a certified virgin, he confessed at a news conference that he had masturbated over 20 thousand times on his bed at the Vatican. He said he wiped the sperm off his penis using the clean sheets the maid covers his bed with. He admitted to stoking the head of his penis gently while caressing and squeezing his buttocks as part of his fantasy to help him achieve an orgasm.

He also told reporters that he fell in love with the insane woman that sexually assaulted him in public. He confessed that he has been having pleasurable dreams about his female attacker and the powerful, sexual desires she has towards him which makes him feel attractive and desired. His comments were something out of Jessica Bally's new movie about a woman in Bosnia who falls in love with forceful lover.

The pope said he has never seen the beautiful inside of a woman's vagina, but he believes that they look like the inside of his anus which he has observed many times using a hand mirror from his back side.

Pope Benito also showed reporters an old shoe he has kept in his closet for over 10 years. The shoe had a woman's underwear inside of it which was heavily stained with urine. The pungent smell had overtaken the room where the news conference was being held when he pulled it out to show reporters. Pope Benito claims to have stolen the underwear from an 80-year-old nun after she died and he had entered her room to say prayers.

Psychologist commented on the Pope's condition saying it was part of a mental illness. Sexual behavior becomes a mental illness and is considered an addiction when it is repeated often enough to interfere with normal daily living. Other names for the mental illness the Pope is afflicted with are nymphomania, hypersexuality, and erotomania. Signs and symptoms of compulsive sexual behavior are engaging in excessive masturbation, as often as 10 to 20 times a day, masochistic or sadistic sex and sometimes more extreme forms of sexual behavior are engaged in, for example homosexual pedophilia, bestiality, and unlawful sexual battery

Psychologist, Edward Longman, a practicing preacher suggest that the Pope get physiological treatment for his addictions to end his sexual nightmares. Longman suggest that Pope Benito bury the nun's underwear as part of a ceremony to end his obsession with the woman's underpants and her genitals.

The ban on sex remains in Vatican city where priest walk around in long robes to hide their erections, but Gaetano Adragna, a church historian, said Benito "opened without a doubt a crack that cannot help but reveal the intimacy he has had with his own body."

In his writings the Pope tells that he will personally take responsibility for all his statements, referring to the idea that they are not part of the church's religious philosophy.

Make Kid Icarus's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 4 plus 1?

1 5 14 21
42 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more