SEOUL, South Korea - Military officials are still trying to determine the intentions of North Korea in bombing Yeonpyeong Island.
"Are they launching a new military offensive, or what?" asks Chief of Staff, Adm. Jaegwon Soo. "North Korea torpedoed our ship but then denied it. Now they're bombing our island but not our mainland. We're technically still at war with them, but are we supposed to restart the regional conflict whenever they do target practice one on of our naval buoys?
"Who knows why they bombed the island. Maybe they missed; their weaponry is not modern. Maybe little Kim Jong-un was getting in some 'crazy dictator' practice.
"So, we're stuck issuing a statement that says, basically, 'If there's one more attack after these attacks, we'll consider ourselves attacked.'
Adm. Soo concludes, "A retaliatory strike against the North Korean mainland is the option of last resort, because we'd feel like a total ass if we interrupted a massive peoples' revolution in Pyongyang by bombing the city."