After thousands of years of the Catholic Church preaching abstinence, Pope Benedict XVI has shocked the lay world by coming out in favour of the new, thin ribbed, ultra-sensitive, pre-lubed, and Church Blessed "Heavenly Daz" party condoms!
A spokesman for the income producing section of the Vatican, Senor Dominic "Big Salami" Provelone, VP of Marketing for the burgeoning Vatican Party Store, "All Things Earthy" said they had been gearing up for a run on the 'party hats' since it was discussed in chambers to reverse the Church's long standing ban on birth control.
"We're UP and running, " said Provelone in a recent interview. "We got tier marketing plans in place, much like Tupper Ware house parties, we've got sample pacs to hand out from our souvenir shops, and for every wafer you get at communion you get one of our single pacs....just don't confuse the two or you're liable to have a bad day. Hint, the condoms taste like Calamari and the wafters still taste like cardboard!"
According to Provelone, the break through came when the Vatican R&D department developed an ultra thin latex bi-product that is not only invisible, but feels just like "a second skin!"
The new product overcomes the Church's main complaint against the use of condoms most reported by Priests:
a) Old style condoms reduced sensitivity and pleasure in the sex act
b) Altar boys got nervous when they saw Priests rolling on the old style condoms with the hard rubber ribbing.
Said Provelone, "Field testing around the world has proven that the new product is painless, and from a visual standpoint, are invisible, it's like a Klingon Cloaking Device on a War Bird....you'll never know it's there until "BANG" you've been had!"
A side benefit to the new condoms isn't discussed, but is another major reason for the development: The Vatican Treasury and Bureau of Sexual Claims say they only have enough money to last another 37 years as the result of increased payouts due to Paphian Priests.
According to reports, the condoms which have been issued to all Priests along the African Coast, should cut down on the number of illegitimate children and forced abortions in the nun population reported earlier this year.
Also, the use of condoms circumvents the conventional prosecution device of using DNA evidence against the Church to secure payouts for aggrieved parishioners.
"It's a win-win for the Church," said a gleeful Provelone, "income increases while payouts decrease. It's an European Union type of thing, Keep F*****g the people, only this time they don't feel a thing!"