The TSA practice of using full-body scanners and physical pat downs to detect hidden items on travelers' persons is coming under increasing scrutiny. In an effort to find an alternative, the TSA has come up with a less intrusive way to get the job done.
They have hired a British remote viewer. A remote viewer uses extra-sensory perception or ESP to "view" a subject at a distance to gain information on them, whether it be physical items attached to their bodies or reading their thoughts or intentions as a whole. According to the TSA, a remote viewer is the whole package. Said an administration spokesperson, "Not only will the remote viewer be able to ascertain if travelers are packing heat, but she will also be able to tell if that traveler had any intention of packing heat or compromising the security of the airport or airplane either before, during or after their flight."
The remote viewer hired offered her services to the TSA after the latest flap with the fellow who told a TSA agent to stop touching his junk. "From now on, I'll be keeping an eye on all the junk and junkess that passes through security checkpoints in the world's airports," said the remote viewer. She is expected to train other remote viewers, and the TSA should have a full force of remote viewers within the next few months stationed throughout the world.
So far, no protest groups have come forward to complain about this latest development. Some say that is because they just don't understand how remote viewing works or they simply don't believe in remote viewing in the first place.
The original remote viewer, known only as Y-Zac, claims that she is excited about embarking on yet another career and looks forward to catching many a criminal. "I am a professional first and foremost, so anything I do is professionally done." Y-Zac also claims that being a professional paranormalist allows her to predict that she has already scanned and caught several hundred travelers with weaponry about their person. "They don't know it yet, but they may as well resign themselves to the fact that they have already been caught," she said with a smug sense of satisfaction.