Washington, DC-- There appears to be a much more ominous reason for the enhanced pat downs at the nations airports, according to unnamed sources. The Federal Government is in a desperate search for people with alien implants. The Feds fear that people with implants 'could be activated during a UFO event'. They are hoping to track them before any such 'event' occurs.
Special FBI Agent Dana Scully-Mulder heads a joint task force with airport security about this grave situation. She gave some information to theSpoof.com:
"This is a very serious. Aliens could invade at any moment." she said with a severe look on her face. She took a good long hit off the joint and continued.
Agent Scully said implants are a bio-plastic hybrid. The 40-terahertz beam on the airport scanners was designed to look for these implants.
"That's why the government needs people to go through these scanners. Look, aliens are perverts. They like to put implants in people's butts or breasts."
Agent Scully went on to explain that is why those who opt out of the radiation scans need to be treated so roughly. She took one last, long drag from her joint and spoke. A gray cloud of marijuana smoke swirled around her head.
"This is war. It is a war for your mind, as well as your body. Let the government squeeze your private parts, or let the aliens eat your brains--it's really that simple." she said, and the passed out.