Written by ExiledRoyal
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Tuesday, 9 November 2010

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Waterboarding soon to be a part of classroom culture

In his new book, Decision Cockups, ex-President George Dubya Bush states that the practice of "waterboarding", in which water is poured over a person's face to simulate drowning, is morally defensible, legal and effective and does not constitute torture.

Breathing a collective sigh of relief, many agencies and institutions are now seeking for the practice to become a major force in their desire to promote "right and moral living".

The Secretary of State for Education was the first to embrace the new freedom which Bush promulgates. "For too long teachers have had their hands tied behind their backs regarding bad behaviour, at worst a couple of hundred lines and an afternoon's detention. This has hardly been a deterrent for the naughty boys and girls in our schools. But the introduction of waterboarding should send out a strong and robust message to these pupils. Behave, or we will simulate a drowning experience which will cause you to think twice before you continue with your naughtiness."

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Ian Duncan-Smith, also is enthusiastic about the method. "For example," he says, "imagine a difficult pensioner in a Care Home. They don't co-operate, make it difficult for staff to care for them. The answer? An afternoon's waterboarding. Clearly the experience of captured al-Qaeda leader Khalid Sheikh Mohammed demonstrates that even the most hardened miscreants will succumb to the method, so how much more quickly will a disagreeable and challenging coffin-dodger?"

Bush, in his book, says that, although he didn't actually use waterboarding himself, he wasn't averse to using defensible and effective methods personally. "When I was trying to get Blair alongside us I would give his nipples a twist. I even grabbed him by the scrotum and squeezed till he cried. See... he gave in. The ends justify the means. I mean, I can't agree with torture, but that just isn't, is it?"

Even the Green Party has jumped aboard, saying that whilst it deplores a waste of the earth's resources, it promotes the idea of waterboarding in tandem. "Save water and waterboard two together" is their new mantra.

Kenneth Clarke QC MP, Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice, waved and smiled as he went for lunch today. "Waterboarding -- that's what the UK does to its badly behaved now. Dunking them in water until they choke. Of course, you have to remember -- we uncovered a lot of witches that way. So, credit where credit is due."

Sarah Teather MP, Minister of State for Children and Families, is encouraged by Bush's moral leadership. "As a result of President Bush's statement we will be rolling out a series of leaflets to demonstrate to parents how they can waterboard safely at home. We feel this is a new dawn for the discipline of our children."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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