Badderthanbad, Afghanistan--With other means of communication either destroyed, unreliable or inaccessible, family members and close acquaintances of the world's most notorious, nasty, naughty, knucklehead have taken a decidedly imperialistic approach to locating the absent assassin, Osama Bin Ladin.
With electric power now a hopeless dream in most of the war-torn cities and towns of Afghanistan, email, though commonly used to keep families and friends together virtually everywhere else in the world, is beyond the reach of most residents in the region, terrorist or not.
Likewise, local telephone communications infrastructure were long ago blasted to blitherines by constant bombing. So, that means phoning home for Osama is also pretty much out of the question.
And forget trying to get a letter delivered there. Nobody in his right mind would even consider trying to send an envelope, sprinkled with white power or not, with any hope of the recipient getting it or the messenger getting blown away.
With little else at their disposal, the Bin Ladens, joined by other family friends in what's left of the neighborhood, have initiated a campaign that is hoped will bring the wily warmonger back home to his folks.
"We miss that mischievous fuzzy grin," sighed Osama's mother, Yomama, through tears of longing. "He keeps sending friends by the house for a few dollars here, a few dollars there. His papa and I are on fixed incomes now, and it's hard enough making ends meet with a house full of Osama's younger sibling infidels."
"The neighborhood's just not the same anymore," lamented childhood friend and what used to be nextdoor neighbor, Im-livin-ina-boxnow. "We're tired of trouble that's started since he left. At least we could handle his hometown hijinx, but foreigners have really ruined our fun."
Since no self-respecting Afghan would start breakfast without a steamy, room-temperature goblet of goat's milk, what better way to put Osama's face on every table in the country and maybe convince him to come back home than to advertise on milk cartons??
Well, wackier ideas have worked for other people. And it would be most ironic if the anti-Western tactic beat the capitalistic coalition forces at their own game. Plus, purchase of the new collectable milk cartons comes with a slight surcharge that will help promote the new televisions program Al-Qaeda's Most Wanted (AMW), an Arabic language version of the popular show in the United States.
Sadly, however, because there are only about 219 televisions in all of Afghanistan, and there's only enough electricity at any given time to power about a dozen at a time, it' doubtless the copycat show will last a whole initial season.
So, check your goat's milk carton right now. Rumor has it, the face on the outside will cause the contents to uncurdle. Now, isn't that sweet?!