Further details have emerged today of the pending agreement between the UK and French Governments to share military intelligence and technology in the coming decade.
The UK has agreed to hand over full control to the Isle of Wight to France. In addition, the English counties of Kent, East and West Sussex, Hampshire and Dorset will also become part of France, with Portsmouth, which will be renamed On rit du Anglais, becoming the capital of the new region, which will called Greater France. The English Channel, meanwhile, is to be rebranded "Napoleons Ocean".
The British Royal Navy are to hand over all of their ships to the French Navy, apart from one, rather woodworm infested rowing boat, currently moored in Poole. HMS Victory, Lord Nelson's flagship at the Battle of Trafalger (which was now, officially, won by the French) is to be towed out to a mooring just off Hastings and sunk by relatives of William the Conqueror.
In return, the French authorities have granted the English Army the rights to use an old sandwich toaster between the hours of 10 and 11pm (weekdays only) providing no-one else needs it at that time.
British PM David Cameron noted a "remarkable" victory in the talks, adding that the Army would now 'pretty much' always have access to toast at that time of day.