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Topics: Baby

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

One of Campello's newest residents, 6-week-old Jose-Maria Opena-Canatuna is a remarkable baby.

For Jose was born with size 15 feet. Naturally, this caused some problems with his birth. In fact, his mother Ima Veriungri Opena-Canatuna was in labour for no less than three weeks! Little Jose-Maria caused complications due to his oversized feet becoming wrapped around the internal organs of his mother - requiring hour upon hour of delicate surgery by teams of surgeons working around the clock.

San Juan Hospital spokesperson, Mia Dolores Fixta-Pronto explained thus; "As soon as the surgeons had unhooked his feet from one set of tubes, gizzards and gubbins, young Jose-Maria would have a ticklish reaction to having his feet touched, and tangle himself up once again. He was under no threat, his head having emerged, but his feet and legs were still inside the womb. We kept him occupied by making faces at him and making him laugh until his mother pointed out that, as with other babies, Jose was kicking out his feet in joy when he laughed. We spent the rest of the time teaching him Valenciana - one is never too young to learn.

But the question remains, why was Jose-Maria born with such extraordinarily large feet? The answer, it appears. dates back many thousands of years, to the first settlers on the Iberian peninsular. Eminent Nigerian Anthropologist and pool-cleaner Don Chawant-Mibebe said yesterday; "The first settlers to the Iberian peninsular were, according to cave drawings found in Granada, originally from Africa, migrating across the Straits of Gibraltar...."

Upon mentioning the G word, he was arrested by the Guardia Civil and deported.

Young Jose has already attracted the attention of several football clubs from both here in Spain and abroad. Sir Alex Ferguson of English Premier League also-rans Manchester United said, "Och Aye, we're very interested in the wain, and want him to come an'join oor academy". Other offers have come flooding in from Circuses around the world.

Whatever happens, Jose-Maria has, it seems, a bright future

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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