A study of why the French now live longer than any other nation, shows that food and sex play a major role in longevity.
For the past eight months researchers have questioned France's 15,000 centenarians to learn their secret.
All confessed to having had sex every day from the age of eleven.
All also claimed that they were still having sex every day.
Said Fanny Encore, who celebrated her 112th birthday this week: "And don't think we are having sex with our fellow oldies. No, our partners are all young bloods of 80 and over."
So, what should we do to live as long as the French do?
(1) We should never eat garlic. Contrary to popular belief the French do not eat garlic. Should they smell a bit garlicky on a Metro (underground railroad system) train, then it is just our imagination.
(2) We should never smile. To smile is to stress out the nervous system which would lead to stroke and heart attack - and death. We should certainly never smile at foreigners (tourists) because the worry that they might ask us for directions in a language we are not going to understand (like English), will increase the stress factor.
(3) We should never smoke or drink. It's a myth that the French smoke a lot and blow stinking cigarette smoke right into one's face when walking past us on the street. Just as it is a myth that the French drink a lot of wine. If their faces are red, it is only because they do not tan easily. They do not drink wine at all: Why do you think they've been exporting the stuff to us for the past 200 years?
(4) We should certainly have sex every day. In fact, we should certainly have sex at least twice a day, and only on one of the occasions should it be with the spouse or live-in lover because variety is the spice of life.