"It will be the visible hand of the State that will finally alleviate the curse of poverty from the blighted continent of Africa" , remarked Bono, the lead singer of Irish rock band U2. "I have been assured by Gordon Brown - with whom Bob Geldof has agreed - that only coordinated effort by the State, including the handing out of huge subsidies, appropriately directed by the various governments within Africa, will create the sort of wealth needed to do the job."
Bono added: "This subtle message will be our real response to the official G8 summit at Gleneagles, Perthshire. Live 8 Africa, which includes the Live 8 concerts, and the various commercial spin offs - including the much anticipated, and highly profitable, DVD sales, will happily create the necessary awareness; but it will only be the grand and virtuous action of the State that will finally rid Africa of poverty."
Jose Manuel Barroso, European Commission President, thought it "quite ironical" that it was Europe's own Common Agricultural Policy, including the provision of massive subsidies to our own farmers, that was playing such a big part in impoverishing Africa. "Unfortunately, there is simply no political will within Europe to get rid of them. Our primary concern will always be for "our own back yard." Bono agreed: "My heart and my head are in Africa; but my body will soon be in the South of France."
Bono also took time out to hit back at recent critics. "I'm sick and tired of these people casting aspersions about the motivations of Bob and me. What have these knockers ever done to alleviate poverty themselves - anywhere? Nothing. Right. You and I may get to live in a socially responsible, capitalist country, and enjoy the fruits of this type of existence, but let me assure you, that's the last thing the children of Africa need right now."
Bob Geldof seemed to stand above it all: "I really dont need anyone to lecture to me about Africa right now. So let's get real about the whole thing. I'm the guy that organised Live 8 Africa. I'm also quite willing to join in the series of demonstrations that have been organised from deep within the establishment. I've been told that Gordon Brown will be the star speaker at one of them. Also remember people, I created the Commission For Africa; if you guys keep this sort of crap up - I can destroy it."