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Wednesday, 27 October 2010

image for Pentagon Blames Cablevision for Nuclear Weapons Guidance Glitch
See, there's no cause to be... Aw, sh-t.

The Pentagon says that pay-TV retards Cablevision are responsible for the 'glitch' which disrupted communication between 50 nuclear missiles and a launch control center over the weekend, although the Air Force never lost the ability to blow up the entire f--king galaxy.

Air Force spokesman Lt. Col. Lance Bass said the c-ck-up occurred on Saturday at Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming and lasted less than one hour. The White House was not told about the colossal f--kup until Tuesday morning.

"In its attempts to further punish viewers by removing Fox's channel 5 from their service, in response to the continued fight over rebroadcast fees, Cablevision blocked inadvertently digital channel 5-01, which is the secret VHF frequency for our nuclear guidance system," said Bass.

"Thus, for a time, the company that brings sitcoms, children's programming and On-Demand pornography was the only entity in control of these warheads. No worries, tho."

Despite the interruption, Air Force officials told NBC News the missiles were never totally out of the control of launch crews.

"No way," said Bass. "If those commies over in Russia even looked at us the wrong way, we could still f--k 'em up,"

"Just because one-ninth of the U.S.' nuclear arsenal was in control of the company who still can't figure out how to maintain a broadband connection for more than two hours at a time, doesn't mean that we were in any way in danger."

"My understand is, despite the glitch disrupted communication between the control center and the missiles," said Barack Obama, currently stumping for democratic candidates that are about to be soundly beaten in next Tuesday's election, "we could have fired the missiles with our manual process."

The manual process involves a nuclear technician lighting a rope fuse in the base of the warhead, and then running for his f--king life.

"We have multiple redundancies and security features, and control features," said Bass. "Which, I guess, should have been online to prevent this glitch. Um... what I mean is..."

The launch control center computers communicate through an underground cable, but Vician could not confirm the cable was the source of the problem. Despite the security stopgap measures, military officials acknowledged to NBC that any break in the control system is considered "serious," and said the Air Force was expected to release a comprehensive report on the issue later Wednesday.
Vician said base personnel inspected all 50 missile sites and found no evidence of damage.

Critics are quick to point out that the equipment in the launch control center has been compromised in the past.

"There is a documented occasion when a passenger on a US Airways fight out of Newark turned his cellphone on during takeoff," said Senator Chuck Schumer, under condition of anonymity. "And all nuclear capabilities were transfered to his Blackberry."

President Obama says there is no cause for concern.

"This is not the thing to worry about," he said. "Remember the three nukes that are missing and are presumed to have been smuggled into Afghanistan? Now that's some scary sh-t."

"I am advised that we've never actually revealed that to the American public," said Obama, after being texted by Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "Please disregard."

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