Geneva, Switzerland - Swiss scientist monitoring new sophisticated seismograph equipment originally produced in America but illegally and cheaply reproduced in China for half price have been recording strange Earth vibrations for months.
The advanced equipment, which first needed sand blasting to remove the deadly lead tainted gray paint, was purchased by the Fritz Earthquake Center in Geneva and is said to be sensitive enough to record even the bowel movements of the imported Mexican laborers who were run out of New Mexico and who now tend to the grounds. The Center's director Dr. Enrich Miter first attributed the strange vibrations to the increase speed of the movement of the un-numbered glaciers in the Switzerland. Global warming, he first suggested, was the culprit behind both the increased glacier movement and thus the vibrations.
However, after a month long seismographic triangulation study by imported Indian scientist from the University of New Delhi pinpointed the source of the deep cycle vibrations thousands of feet beneath the North American continent, Dr. Miter called in the Japanese earthquake experts at the University of Southern California for help who in turn contacted the American government. China, the CIA concluded, was drilling tunnels thousands of miles long, tunnels that originate in the Shenyang high desert region of China and terminate thousand of feet below the massive coal mines of the eastern US.
Imported Russian educated CIA experts theorize the main tunnel may be a large as eighty feet in diameter. Large enough, they maintain, that huge earth moving trucks and even high speed trains built in France are now removing coal and other natural resources mined by secretly imported Mexican workers who were run out of Arizona.
Other CIA seismic studies suggest that dozens of smaller shafts branch off from the main tunnel and appear to end in the vast oil reserves in the Gulf of Mexico and the southern US and even the Canadian coal fields. China, they concluded, was secretly mining American mineral and oil reserves beneath the country's very nose, or as the Oxford trained CIA Director noted in a secret report to the first President born outside the United States, beneath it's very feet.
When contacted by the BBC for a statement the leader of China, Xe Shank, accused visiting American businessmen of stealing Chinese dumpling recipes and reminded the American government of who really owns America. "Don't threaten me." said Mr. Shank, " or I'll repo the whole damn country."
In an further update the Director of the CIA Sally Sallyforth IV termed the reports of Chinese mines under North America as a misunderstanding and labled similar news reports as "silly."