As the eyes of the world turn to the bonny hills of Scotland, G8 participants are gearing themselves up for their Highland Fling under the folds my own voluminous skirts.
It is with my typical modesty, that I now have to admit my role in these events of international import having been called upon as dance tutor to this fine body of gentlemen.
Scotland, a land best known for tossing and small men in white socks with black shoes has a fine tradition of transvestism and the whirling of Gay Gordon himself . The honour of ensuring that these men of stature fit in, without looking too conspicuous, has, as I would only have expected, been placed at my own twinkling toes.
Amidst tight security and well away from prying eyes I have met with my dear friends of many nations and with a gusto that has surprised even me, I have been putting these left footers through their paces.
Training sessions have commenced with the manly heads of state from the likes of Russia, Germany, Canada and Italy self consciously standing at one side of the park while the more fey, girly leaders of USA, UK, France and Japan have giggled uncontrollably on the opposing side.
Efforts to get them paired off have had to involve enticing them with the promise of fine Scottish delicacies such as deep fried copies of he Daily Record rolled into pocket sized forms and the carrot of bottles of Irn Bru laced with parasitical worms from the rivers of equatorial Africa.
The temptation of such culinary delights having worked its magic it is incredible to see the happy couples tear off into The Dashing White Sergeant as the sound of pipes and drums course through their very veins and culminate in the most impressive pas de bas that I have ever seen.
Great hilarity has been the order du jour as they have moved onto practising the renowned Seann Triubhas which, in the Queen's English, is better known as "old trousers".This dance rekindles the ancient Scottish tradition for a fine figure of a man to disrobe himself of his lower body garments and goes back to celebrating the 1747 Act of Parliament which repealed the legislation that had banned the wearing of skirts by men.
The somewhat erotic dance is performed particularly well by President Bush and his little pal Tony Blair, as together, they slinkily remove their trousers before encasing their frames in yards of plaid and skipping merrily hand in hand, enjoying the freedom of a garment more commonly worn by the ladies.
Such has been the joy of training sessions to date that requests have been recieved from the small crowd of observers that they be allowed to join in the joy that only dance can bring to the soul. These will be considered in due course subsequent to their donning dress appropriate to the occasion.