David Cameron, looking fresh and rejuvenated after his extended maternity leave, shocked the UK and Western Allies today when he announced that Britain no longer had an interest in remaining a world class military power ending centuries of Proud Military History.
Quoted in Paris Match as saying "Je suis Francais et je rends les armes," to a hushed crowd of military officers as he announced he was scrapping England's only effective carrier, HMS Ark Royal, grounding all Harrier jets, and dramatically slashing fighting personnel in the Army, Air Force and Navy.
His announcement was gleefully greeted with Hi Fives by Nick Clegg representing the EU, and the cause for a festival in Buenos Aires as President Cristina Fernandez de Kircher prepared to step back over to annex the Falklands which would no longer be contested.
While Cameron signed the contracts for two new carriers, he acknowledged there wouldn't be any planes on their decks until at least 2019, but thanks to the UN, IMF, and EU, they could be moored off Haiti to provide much needed housing for the thousands still left homeless, "for a reasonable profit."
According to 'Dynamite Dave' he assured US President Barry Obama that 'Britain will remain an 'absolutely front rank military power' trailing only
Somalia, Vietnam, Dufar, Turkey, North Korea, Iran and a host of others which this reporter can't take the time to learn to spell.
"While we won't be what we where," Dave told Barry, " we willingly will supply moral support against Global Terrorism, and wish all our former allies the best of luck...after all, something is better than nothing, and it's the thought that counts, innit!"
"Meanwhile," said Dave, "We are going to count on our corporate sponsors to help us out on national defense. Starting next week we will be launching several thousand Flak Balloons around home, each one sponsored by a corporation willing to chip in during these tough times. Naturally, they will be permitted to post their logos on the side, which hopefully will also encourage
our citizens to spend their way out of this current financial hiccup!"
A military official, speaking off the record, said the announcement signified the end of Britain as a recognized power willing to halt terrorism in foreign lands. "What the PM hasn't told everybody, is that he has commissioned a new battalion of bomb sniffing dogs, has doubled the Palace Guard, reactivated Churchill's Bunker, and is adding vending machines and large flat screen TVs in the underground to make things more comfortable for the People when the time comes. Oh, yes, he's de mobbed the Gurkhas, but has put them on his personal civilian payroll to keep an eye on his house...I think he's afraid of
being kidnapped and losing his head....no chance of that, not now that he's shown he's strongly behind world Peace, Love, & Human Rights!