Colonel Juan Bolivar III earned his millions the hard way, one curly pubic hair at a time! The eccentric entrepreneur started with only one waxing stand in a remote village in the hills of Bolivia, but his technique proved so popular, his talents became legend, and he soon had a plethora of Waxing Way Stations throughout the country.
So renowned did he become, with famous people and self absorbed reality stars flocking to be plucked, that he became an international force catering to thousands of the self absorbed elite around the world.
He was the feature story in Vanity Fair, a human interest story in People Magazine, and even a financial story talking about international success in the Economist.
Of course the Colonel, as he prefers to be called, wasn't content to just be known as 'The Man of the Velvet Vulva' despite his penchant for black velvet smoking jackets, picked mainly to off set and highlight his silver pomaded hair as well as the startling blue Bolivian Medal of Achievement, of course it didn't hurt that he was known world wide as "The Hair Apparent" great grandson of that revered Patriot & Revolutionary Simon Bolivar.
With all great entrepreneurs, success breeds success, and soon The Colonel branched out using the floor sweepings picked up in his studios. "Money makes more money", as they said about him in the Wall Street Journal.
A former Thespian (that's spelled with a TH) in University, he played the lead in 'A Mid Summer's Wet Dream', he employed hundreds of local youths to fabricate a handsome collection of Faux mustaches out of the by product of his waxing studios, and the product was soon in demand and used during all the Italian Spaghetti Westerns and High Budget Hollywood Porn movies, not to mention a run on them prior to Halloween.
You would think things were going well, and they were, until The Colonel woke one morning to find that Hugo Chavez, the Narco Dictator of Venezuela, had done the unthinkable...he had unearthed the remains of Simon Bolivar, and was picking through the bones on NATIONAL TV!
"That really put a hair across my ass,' said the normally sedate Colonel.
"My great grand dad, the real father of his country, having his bones picked on TV by that bloated socialist pig fucker! BASTARD! My family honour was being violated in front of millions!"
The pig eyed Hugo, not bashful about summoning the occult to help him rule, had called on Simon's bones to prove to the people that he, Hugo, was the reincarnation come back to life to lead them out of the poverty and squalor he had placed them in by nationalizing all the free enterprise business in the country, and then found out no one knew how to run them.
Despite the epic failure, Hollywood Fops Oliver Stone, Sean Penn, and others of that ilk continued to glorify Chavez as the next coming of Christ, much like they had done with that other recent social failure, Barry Obama.
The Colonel was one of the few capitalistic enterprises left under private rule in Venezuela, Hugo having taken over the oil, banking, food processing, petrol, bingo, and car sales industries. Rumor has it that all of Hugo's mistresses had prevailed on Chavez to keep his hands off The Colonel, or they would 'cut him off' from his greatest pleasure, "F*****g Around."
Chavez may be stupid, but he's not dumb. He liked the job The Colonel did with his women which provided him hours of pleasure for him and his guests from Hollywood, and realized if he cut off the waxing, he would only spite his face (sic).
As for The Colonel, he is plotting his revenge in his R&D waxing laboratory.
According to a source at the CIA Juan is working on a special new waxing preparation that smells like bananas, but is quite lethal to anyone who ingests it. The potion is said to take 24 hours to react, is untraceable, and is 100% effective.
Said the Colonel, "I can't wait to see the headlines, "Dictator Found Dead in Bed. Last Meal of Tainted Sushi Suspected in National Tragedy"
Sitting behind his desk, feet up, the Colonel chuckled. "Only fair innit, Pigs get Fat and Hogs get slaughtered...be careful what you eat, could be the death of ya!"