An assassination attempt, in the city of Kobe in Japan, was foiled recently by the quick actions of local police, fire, and animal control officials. It seems two small kittens, perhaps outraged by the commonplace use of cat meat in Japanese cuisine, tried to murder their owner by setting his house ablaze. The clever kitties were able to use their catlike reflexes to escape the burning house shortly after using their catlike ingenuity to ignite the fire. How did they do it, you ask? Good question. I'm glad you're paying attention. The kittens secretly consumed an entire pot of Japanese coffee, then proceeded to urinate all over their owner's fax machine. Their instinctual technical knowledge and catlike aim enabled them to pinpoint the exact point on the machine most vulnerable to a liquid-based attack.
"It was horrible," one of the kittens' owners' personal translator, who by the way has not received a raise in five years, is quoted as saying. He went on to say, "the combination of urine and electrical fire created an odor almost as foul as my black soul. Truly, this was a sign from the great beyond that I should learn to treat people in my employ much better. I have lived as a vile and disgusting human being for far too long. The fact is, I deserve to die. Unfortunately, though I escaped the wrath of the kittens, I will now face a fate worse than death, unless I change my ways soon."
Had it not been for the quick actions of Japanese officials, every human resident of that entire neighborhood might have perished. Fortunately, everyone made it out okay. The kittens were later found attempting to board a plane to Egypt, where cats are still worshipped as demigods. A special breed of Japanese tracking dog was able to sniff them out, inside an unnamed body cavity of a known smuggler. The fiendish felines are currently in the custody of Japanese Bureau of Animals awaiting their trail. If convicted, they both face being sentenced to six consecutive noodle dishes. The kittens' former owner has gone missing since the day of the blaze. His translator, who is wanted for questioning, is also missing.
(To enter the "Guess the Body Cavity" contest, go to www.notarealcontest.com.)