Written by Noddy Bigears
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Topics: Pope, Pope Benedict

Tuesday, 7 June 2005

Pope Benedict, in his first clear pronouncement on gay marriages since his election, condoned same-sex unions as fabulous expressions of "anarchic freedom" that enhance the richness of the future of the human family. "Look at rabbits, bouncing, jumping and springing for the joy of life."


As he spoke from his spiritual balcony, he declared that as from today, the Roman Catholic Church has declared illegal the same sex relations between the Church's Priests or Convent Nuns and that shortly, there will be the necessary legislation to enable them to marry each other in Church.


In the Roman Catholic Church, Nuns and Priests have been in the past kept very strictly separately in order to encourage the deepest secret homosexuality upon which the sect thrives and flourishes but is hidden to prying eyes. This has been nevertheless a relatively enormous challenge in that to encourage a heterosexual to engage in homosexual practices may be as difficult as to encourage a homosexual to engage in heterosexual practices. The large scale confusion has been exaggerated by both Nuns and Priests wearing skirts. Nobody seems to know anymore who is actually wearing the trousers.


The separation of the Nuns and the Priests stops them from using condoms which were forbidden for the previous several centuries. One of the fundamental reasons appeared to be that in Roman times, early condoms made from pig glue extract were actually found to transmit diseases and that the indictment of the use of condoms was actually a life saving mandate from the Roman Catholic Church. Recent Latin documents unearthed whilst preparing the ground for the previous Pope elect have now been translated and Pope Benedict read extracts from these documents today to the cheering Vatican crowds.


He calmly read whilst seated "The forbidden use of pig glue condoms has now been found to stem from the spread of a rampant disease between early Priests in the first century of the Roman Catholic Church that threatened the entire movement." He continued "This disease threatened the entire movement to its very hard core, hence, it was necessary to ban the use of these devices used to protect our vessels." He concluded "However, the Roman Catholic Church is known to be old fashioned but we must not deny all progress and it is time that we encourage heterosexual relations again in order to create the gift of life."


The en masse weddings of the Roman Catholic Church Nuns and Priests will be started over the summer months with sex education films being shown after 9 PM in the Vatican square. The Pope's words were no surprise, in April he denounced an "anything goes mentality" and it was thought that he would clamp down on homosexuality everywhere as soon as possible.

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