Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 11 October 2010

image for OASIS Bar & Grille Under Investigation
Sperm Bank Facilities in Question at the OASIS Florida location

The popular food and beverage establishment that by all critical accounts, has replaced Planet Bollywood as the fastest growing restaurant franchise (with entertainment) in the world, is now under investigation for reportedly featuring protected animal species on the menu and also providing questionable "personal" services on the premises.

What was reportedly a joint investigatory effort between Interpol offices in London and the FBI in America, two of the OASIS locations were raided this past weekend and the consortium of owners, who also happen to be satirical writers, are under indictment for multiple local and international violations. Specific charges include maintaining an unlicensed Sperm Bank at the Florida OASIS location, and featuring Meerkat on the menu at OASIS-London.

"Sickening", says retired librarian, Mrs. Edna Baggyhoze, 73 from Tampa. "Who would put a sperm bank in a restaurant? Deviants, they are. Low life deviants". One patron of the Florida OASIS Bar & Grille had a different perspective. A man who only identified himself as 'Morse" said, "After a few free Crème de Menthe shots and the sight of the Bonkettes Dancers, sometimes a guy is ready to make a deposit. You know what I mean, governor?"

Animal rights activists in London had similar reactions to the news of the Meerkat special. "Who does that, honestly", said Ms. Herbert Wetherington, 92 of Kingston upon Thames. "They are such lovely creatures after all, but served open face on a crusty roll? Simply uncivilized". Mrs. Wetherington wiped a lone tear from her eye.

No arrests were made at either location due to absence of anyone who could be identified as an owner. "That, and a riot would have broken out had we shut the place down", said special agent Mick Dunbar of the Florida FBI task force. "Some band led by a guy named Philbert had wound up the crowd with 'Play that Funky Music, White Boy', and another group in front of a makeshift judge's bench, chaired by somebody referring to herself as the 'Queen' had threatened to arrest us. Then some large dude named Jimbo escorted us to the door, but we'll be back", said the agent who looked most like Barney Fife.

London Interpol reported similar trouble in locating anyone who could be identified as a manager or an owner, but agents had suspicions of a cover up once they entered the establishment. "Yes, it appeared that the menus were swapped out at the maitre' D station where the Meerkat entrees and specials had been removed, and not a Meerkat was to be found in the kitchen", said London Chief Inspector Skelton Gadget. "There was nothing more we could do".

The search continues for OASIS Bar & Grille owners, though law enforcement organizations fear that they have now gone underground. In a related story, Meerkats have been found wandering the streets and burrowing into the well manicured lawns of the Wimbledon Common Park, near Kingston. Authorities warn the citizenry that there is no open season on Meerkat hunting in the U.K.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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