Gay people have long been known for having larger penises than their abnormal non-gay inferiors, but recent findings have disclosed just how long those penises are.
Non-gay white people have convinced themselves that having 5.75-inch wobbly-bits is universally acceptable.
But they have been wrong all along.
Gay men tend to average out at approximately 8.175 inches after a cold shower - that figure increases dramatically when a hot black Denzel Washington strolls in and lubes up his muscular back.
A researcher in Gay Biology at the Imperial Allan Carr Hospital in London, Dr Tristan Wadger, explained:
"The uneducated non-gay public perception is that gay people are always having sex - which is true. If we didn't have so much sex, our penises would become far too large due to a lack of being naturally 'ground down'. This makes non-gay people sad."