Disgraced former writer for The Spoof, Dogooder Dave has now found himself at the centre of a gathering storm in Royal circles writes Roy L.R Slicker, Royal Correspondent .
Barely six weeks since the fairytale wedding of the ageing lovers I recieved a tearful late night telephone call from the newly crowned Duchess and a secret rendevous was arranged in the MacDonalds opposite Kings Cross Station, London for 10am precisely on the next morning.
My pencil sharpened and firmly grasped between my knees I arrived early taking a seat by the window to await Her Highnesses arrival. As Big Ben's clapper twanged for the tenth time, in trotted the fragrant Camilla wearing a discreet tiara atop her riding hat, a whip clenched to her ripe calves and the most slender Italian, hand stitched, thigh length, riding boots ever to have adorned the streets of old London town.
No sooner had she ordered her Big and Tasty with supersize fries, her delicate fingers parting the box as she vorasciously clasped a slice of gherkin slipping it hastily and with a vigour into her slightly parted lips, than did the tears start to flow "It's Dave - he's just there all the time - it's like there's three of us in this marriage and it's a bit crowded" she whimpered.
I smiled unctiously, my nicotine stained fingers brushing a wisp of hair from her furrowed brow and the story was told.
It transpires that Dogooder Dave was a close friend to Prince Charles during their time at sea in the late 1970s - the two had spent many a back slapping evening down below as they regaled each other with tales of their lives back on shore. Many a night, a noggin one too many having passed their lips, the sailor pals had rolled into one or other of their bunks laughing their heads off till Mr Sleep shut their peeps.
Their friendship drifted as HRH returned to shore and announced his betrothal to the young diaphonous Diana. It is believed that in one last effort to rekindle their happy hammock moments, that Dave presented a wedding gift to Charles of a pair of cufflinks decorated with intertwined Cs as a reminder of Charlies' moniker of Cheery Chappy for his maritime mate. These cufflinks are said to have been a factor of disharmony in that ill fated marriage, with Diana just unable to accept that her husbands affection for Dave was to burn deep in his heart - a fondness that dare not speak it's name and that Dave just had something that no woman could ever give to the future King Of England.
The first marriage over and the tragic events which followed saw Charles become increasingly wistful for memories of naughty nautical nights with his old pal Dave. As Camillas own marriage crumbled at the seams, together they found comfort in their shared love for domestic kitchen appliances spending many a Saturday afternoon dreamily wandering out of town electrical discount stores. As together they gingerly fingered bread makers, hand held whisks and high pressure milk frothers an affection blossomed. It only only seemed right, that together, they should share a kitchen filled with gadgets for switching on and off and a marriage was announced.
It was at this point that Camillas nemesis reared his bobble hatted head. The scoundrel, desperate for one last hammock hour with his old friend came up with the idea of buying them a toaster for a wedding gift. Dave, having fallen on hard times embarked on a fund raising venture betwixt the pages of online junk shop eBay and raised a considerable sum to achieve his dream of placing his mark on the new Royal electrically extravagant lovenest kitchen.
The gift, rather thoughtlessly, was delivered to the honeymooners Highland hideaway and breakfast that morning rekindled memories of previous Royal rumpii, such as the public exposure of Winston Churchills fondness for sucking The Queen Mothers toes and Prince Phillips proclivity for teaching English as a foreign language to Chinamen.
"I just popped on some toast and pretended not to care" said Camilla "I reminded Charles to arrange a thank you for the toaster note to be sent to Dave and hoped that would be the end of the matter". Camilla, by now chomping on her third cinnamon tart began shaking "My dear Roy L R Slicker" she pleaded "You won't believe it but he has now put the Thanks for the Toaster Letter up for sale on eBay - the whole world is going to find out and I've no idea what to do".
At this point she fell off her chair sobbing and I dashed off back to the newsroom to type this tale and check on eBay and sure enough the Thanks for the Toaster Letter is up for sale and it finishes on June 5th and I think I might chuck in a bid.