According to a new health organisation survey, there has been an increase in people who can no longer reach their own bottoms due to their arms being too short or in some cases, the arse itself has moved further away, either way, there are increasing concerns that there is a growing epidemic of people unable to wipe their own arses and requiring state arse-sistence.
The initial problem was highlighted during the recent increase in gastric band procedures being requested by those unfortunate enough to suffer from a post modern malaise or existential angst and have to eat, drink and consume everything in sight, in an effort to fill the ever widening internal maw left by the vacuousness of today's desultory society.
Whereas once upon a time, they would have roamed the plains in search of sustenance and survival was a means to and end; now they have everything at their podgy fingertips and are without purpose unless they find one for themselves through work or creative endeavours.
In an effort to meet the problem head on, support groups are being set up for people unable to reach their own bums, so they can reach out to each other in the only way that matters.
It is hoped that if they all help wipe each others arses then they won't be such a drain on the rest of society or the thousands of home helps who do an excellent job, day in, day out, looking after those with real ailments that actually do require tending to and not just depression based gluttony.