Written by Monochrome
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Thursday, 26 May 2005

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Victim of a Plot, or Not?

The Scotland Yard investigation into the death in 1997 of Princess Diana has uncovered startling new evidence which could suggest that her death could have been murder or alternatively, may have been an accident.

Inspector Arthur Spurge, who is leading the investigation, revealed the new findings after visiting the crash site in the Pont de L'alma tunnel on a number of occasions.

"We've been fortunate to have the opportunity to investigate the incident location on a regular basis. It's not been easy, it's a very busy road and of course for some reason they drive on the wrong side in France which makes it very confusing when trying to cross the road safely. Then there's the language barrier. Some of the people in France make absolutely no effort to speak English. I've tried my best, I speak very slowly, clearly and in a loud voice but they still refuse to understand. It's very frustrating.

"There are a number of questions which still need to be answered. The most important being, why did the driver go into that tunnel and at such a speed? The answer may be; to get to the other side quickly. Or was there an ulterior motive? These are the sort of questions we're going to answer.

"In spite of the difficulties we've been able to establish that the tunnel is the sort of place where a road traffic accident could occur; especially if the vehicle is travelling at speed and the driver has been drinking heavily. Equally we can't rule out the possibility of murder. There have been findings which suggest that it is possible that it wasn't an accident. Several eye witnesses say they saw a man acting furtively around the tunnel entrance on the night of the incident so we're pursuing numerous leads along these lines of enquiry. An assassin could easily have hidden in the tunnel and by some means we've yet to establish, caused the car to crash. If for instance there was someone who was wearing a frightening mask and leaned over the barrier and made a sudden noise or released a small, clockwork animal such as a mouse or rabbit into the road at the crucial moment when the car was passing or put a diversion sign in the road which self destructed after the crash. Well those things would probably make me crash if I was doing that speed and I'd had a couple of jars."

Rumours have abounded that the Royal Family and the British Secret Service were involved in a plot to have Diana killed. Efforts to find the "mystery other car" thought to be a white Fiat Uno have been fruitless which has added to the conspiracy theory, but Inspector Spurge dismisses these allegations.

"We've asked the British Secret Service if they know anything about the incident and they've told us that they'd never even heard of Diana and it wasn't them. They were all on holiday at the time and didn't even know about it until they came back to the office some days later and anyway, all of their fleet of white Fiat Unos were in the garage being serviced that week-end.

"Officials speaking on behalf of other officials who speak on behalf of people close to Royal Family have issued a statement which categorically denies any involvement, so both of those lines of enquiry have been closed.

"Our investigations so far have been extremely thorough and we will continue to search until we know the answer. We will leave no stone unturned in our efforts to find the cause of this crash. We will not rest until the truth is known."

The cost of the investigation is estimated to be about £2,000,000.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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