Walking-dead Royals - Cadaverous Charles and his pudding-plump Camilla have arrived in New Delhi to do the Queen's work - cutting ribbons, making silly chit-chat, mouthing the usual platitudes while grimacing throughout the entire procedure. This is what Britain has to offer to the world!
The dried out Royal Sausage and his puddingy-plump Mrs. faced the press, looking like a recycled version of a WW2 British Sunday meal - Toad-in-the-hole and Blancmange for afters - only to have top Indian fashion designers throw their hands up in horror:
"Ohmigawd", drawled a horror-stricken JJ 'Cooldude' Singh [known for his irreverent, cutting-edge designs], "what was that? Did they exhume his embalmed body and have an undertaker trowel on the pancake makeup & rouge? It's ghastly, just frightfully ghastly. And dear Camilla - she looks like something the royal corgis threw up."
Superstitious child laborers at the CWG site are believed to have dropped their loads & fled in fright at the Royal couple's arrival fearing "bloodless vampire ghosts" had come to abduct them.
For her part - despite hours spent in spas where she was oiled, kneaded, thumped, whacked and had her doughy tummy rolls pulled and tugged into a semblance of femininity - the future Mrs. Consort still managed to look convincingly like a big lardy lump of uncooked pasty-podgy pudding poured into a pathetic pale-pink frothy creation that was supposed to pass for haute couture. Needless to say darlings- it spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R!
Aaargh! Erk! Eeeek! Foundation garments anyone? Hello Royal Dressers - Ever heard of Spanx? Could she not have sweet-talked the Royal Mama into lending her a couple of good-old fashioned whale-bone corsets?
Famous International designer Kal Pilsnerfeld shuddered:
"Zis is a land of color, of riotous noises and smells and sounds...it awakens your senses...it challenges your very core. You must go with it - dress boldly, flirt with bright colors.... but zis...zis Royal faux-pas is an abomination. Zey look like 2 blobs of greying bread dough on a rainbow-colored tandoori platter".
Asked for a comment, popular local cricketer and ex-Army man, Perry Allan Battingstock, a descendant of British East India Company settlers sucked back his umpteenth G&T and roared with laughter:
"I say.....She looks like my Grandmama Alice Barley-Hogtwit who came out to Inja in 1836 to marry my Grandpapa who was a cavalryman with the Khyber Rifles regiment. Same frock...same yellow teeth...Ughhhh!"