Written by shea lo
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Friday, 1 October 2010

image for Now gorilla warfare monkey patrols working for peanuts to provide security at Delhi Games

After all the brouhaha and the hullabaloo, the sniping and complaining it finally looks like the Delhi Commonwealth Games are a go. All the whining Aussies, Brits, Kiwis and other lesser equals have settled into their digs with no more excrement, doggie paw-prints, building disasters or welcoming snakes left to be photographed. What a difference a day makes!

Top on the complaints list was the question of security but with the Indian Army, Air Force, Commandos et al out in full force the scaredy-cats have begun to feel safer.

But this is India - where emaciated cows, starving dogs and thieving monkeys all compete for right of way in city streets. Once again, the IndiaGov appears to have come up with an unusually innovative security plan.

Enter the 'gorilla warfare monkey patrols'.

What's that, you say.

They are the black-faced langur monkeys who are being deployed at sporting venues to chase away the smaller, more menacing stray monkeys, notorious for terrorizing the metropolitan human populace.

We caught up with Ape Linkin, leader of the troop, a highly decorated veteran of incredible military exploits. Ape is a mean-looking, black-faced simian with ultra-sharp fangs, who has been specially drafted in to lead his combat forces against the terrorizer strays.

"Can you tell us what's so special about you?" we dared to ask from a safe distance

Yawning with boredom, he scratched his backside, bared his fangs and fixed a heavy scowl on his face.

"Lookit", he snarled. "My unit has just returned from a tour of duty dismantling IEDs in Afghanistan.

"As patriotic Indian langurs, we have signed a contract with the Govt to guard the boxing and swimming venues. My boys and I will work nine hour shifts in the hot sun with few breaks. We are paid peanuts while our human handlers will get 6,400 rupees per month.

"We're mean, we're fierce and we're a force to be reckoned with. Now get out of my face because you're pissing me off. I've got a job to do"!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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