Written by Morse
Print this

Thursday, 30 September 2010

image for Peru Issues Missing Persons Alert After 3 Female Guards Go Missing & Panties Found in Van der Sloots Private Room!
Joran Watching His Interview in his Suite Where Missing Gurads Panties Were Found in Ice Maker!

Joran Van der Sloot continues his mystique over women as Peruvian authorities say he is linked to the mysterious disappearance of three (3) female guards at the prison where he is being held over the murder of a local woman.

The case centers around Van der Sloot's improved conditions after a Dutch magazine fronted him $75k for an inconclusive interview concerning the disappearance of spring breaker Natalie Holloway over 5 years ago, and the savage death of a local girl who he picked up in a Peruvian Keeno Parlour.

The money enabled Van der Sloot to escape deplorable conditions in his indigent cell, and enabled him to purchase a 700 square foot Time Share unit on the grounds complete with butler service, a cook, and female companionship.

As the investigation continues, it is not clear if the Time Share also included exchange weeks, and the rumour Van der Sloot recently returned from a one week vacation in Palm Springs where he is said to have met up with
Lindsay Lohan in a one on one communal setting to discuss their personal addictions.

Embarrassed Peruvian authorities did a complete search of Van der Sloot's unit.

In addition to thousands of fan letters, naked pictures of adoring females, a jar of Marmite XO, a case of Menudo, 3 Mega Bucks tickets for the Florida Lotto, a set of car keys matched to a Porsche Carrera found parked outside the Warden's residence, they also found 3 sets of bikini pants and matching bras which they think belonged to the missing custodial matrons.

Law enforcement officials are now waiting for cadaver sniffing dogs to be brought in from the US, and sophisticated ground radar units to explore the unit's brand new concrete patio Van der Sloot commissioned about a week after he moved into his new unit.

As the mystery continues, Journalists from around the world are now upping the ante to meet with Joran. In an effort to kick start his new interview show, Piers Morgan, replacing comatose Larry King on his new late night TV show
"Bored to Death" has said to have offered Joran $150k for a 20 minute meet.

Page 3 of the Sun is said to have offered $250K for pictures purporting to show Van der Sloot in his hot tub with the 3 naked guards, and Chris Matthews from "Hairball" is offering $500k to confirm rumours Joran had an
'intimate' relationship with Greta Van Susteran after her interview with him several years ago.

Regardless of the outcome of the ongoing investigations, Van der Sloot said to be 'resolute' in continuing his building plans for his new 3 bedroom suite
overlooking the prison's sewerage treatment plant, and is said to have
'paid a bundle' for the waterfront location.

Rumours that Joran may be suffering from 'testicular cancer' has apparently piqued the interest of Libya's Muammar al-Gaddafi from a purely humanitarian interest and feelers have been sent out to the EU and the UN about securing his humanitarian release 'for the few short weeks he has to live."

Meanwhile back in Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan is trying to postpone her return to custody with her lawyer saying she has recently come down with a yet undiagnosed sexual disease that needs to be diagnosed and treated
before she can be returned to custody.

The judge in the case appears to be skeptical, but after meeting in chambers with Lohan said, "I don't know what she's trying to pull here, but it doesn't smell good...that's for sure!"

Make Morse's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 plus 4?

6 9 19 5
56 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more