The Lord Jesus Christ has announced that Heaven's comedy club, Giggles At The Heaven Holiday Inn, will institute a two-drink minimum for the 8:30pm and 11:00pm shows.
The 5:00pm "Giggles Buffet" show will remain cover charge and drink minimum-free.
"Until a few weeks ago, our list of performers was pretty Spartan," said God. "No offense to you Spartans. It has improved drastically as of late."
According to Giggles' website, the early shows featured Soupy Sales, Fred Travelena and Waylon Flowers and Madam. The 8:30pm show was mostly amateur night.
Franklyn Ajaye; Tim Allen; Sandra Bernhard; David Brenner; Jim Breuer*; Mario Cantone; Carrot Top; Dana Carvey; Henry Cho; Kim Coles*; Dane Cook; Pat Cooper; Dave Coulier; Billy Crystal; Tommy Davidson; Dustin Diamond*; Earthquake; Greg Fitzsimmons; Charles Fleischer; Judah Friedlander; Gallagher; Gallagher II; Janeane Garofalo*; Judy Gold; Gilbert Gottfried; Eddie Griffin*; Kathy Griffin; Rich Hall; Chelsea Handler; Steve Harvey; John Henson; D. L. Hughley; Kevin James; Gabe Kaplan; Robert Klein; Artie Lange; Denis Leary; Carol Leifer; Jay Leno; Richard Lewis; Bill Maher; Steve Martin; Kevin Meaney; Carlos Mencia*; Dennis Miller; Jay Mohr; Paul Mooney; Kevin Nealon; Chuck Nice; Rosie O'Donnell; Otto & George; Miss Coco Peru*; Paula Poundstone; Greg Proops; Paul Reiser; Michael Richards; Ray Romano; Rita Rudner*; Mort Sahl; Andy Samberg; Garry Shandling*; Pauly Shore*; Sinbad; David Spade; Doug Stanhope; Judy Tenuta; Christopher Titus*; Sheryl Underwood; Thea Vidale; Rich Vos; Damon Wayans; Steven Wright; Charlyne Yi.
* Never actually funny.
"Pryor and Carlin would come to work out some material," said Giggles M.C. Jack Parr. "But, frankly, there's not a lot in Heaven to be inspired to talk about, comedy-wise."
That should change with the recent additions to Heaven's comedy calvacade of dead stars.
"We've already booked Greg Giraldo and Mitch Hedberg, and that sold out in a few minutes," said Christ. "Robert Schimmel is headlining the 11pm shows, along with Richard Jeni and a reinvigorated Burns and Allen opening for them."
Reporters were just as curious about the notably deceased comedians who have yet to appear in Heaven.
"Kinison... Kinison...," said Saint Peter, reading through the Book of Life. "OK, here we go. Kinison, Samuel. Um... He's not going to be here any time soon."
"And... what was the other name?" asked St. Peter. "Goldthwait... Oh, OK. I see... Bob Goldthwait is still alive."
"But his career died in 1994."