Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Food

Monday, 23 May 2005

image for Naked Sushi Girls on Western Menu
A human banquet - but it doesn't work with fries and ketchup.

The Chinese government's ban on restaurants from serving food on the bodies of naked women has led to a flood of 'Sushi Suzies' trying to find work in the West. But initial reports indicate the culinary requirements of a different culture don't quite work when served on a bed of nubile flesh.

One girl, offered employment in a steakhouse in Chandler, AZ, had to be treated for superficial burns after being scalded by fried onions, mushrooms and gravy.

A party of six male diners, who had each paid $150 for the eating experience, then went on a furious rampage, causing massive damage to the restaurant, when their 'meal' fled in tears.

Twins from the Yunnan Province fared little better in Rome, Italy.

Billed as an 'Oriental Double Delight', the girls were stretched out over four dining tables pulled together and adorned with orchids and seashells.

However, after olive oil-laden hors d'oeuvres, the subsequent pasta dishes invariably slithered to the floor, the girls complained that the forks tickled, objected to the liberal sprinkling of Parmesan and took sneezing fits when showered with freshly ground black pepper.

The supposedly erotic feast degenerated into farce as two near-naked girls, covered in congealed, garlicky tomato sauce, screaming objections to the smell of "sweaty feet", sneezed repeatedly over the tiramisu much to the disgust of the paying customers.

But there are those still determined to bring the human banquet to their own dining table and make it a success.

The James VII Golf Club, on the outskirts of East Kilbride, Scotland, offered a ?Sandwich Suzie' as an exotic treat for an all-male golf outing.

A stag party of 35 tucked into a DIY buffet aboard 23-year-old chemistry graduate Xiu-Mei Lhing.

The golfers found her laid out on the billiard table, two sliced loaves covering her breasts, butter in her navel, and cuts of corned beef, Spam, chopped pork and chicken roll covering her modesty and legs. Remaining areas of flesh were decorated with pickles, chutney and mustard.

While not the usual fare or client she was used to, Xiu-Mei said all behaved as perfect gentlemen - and she received £250 for 30 minutes' work.

The Chinese government has forbidden this ancient eroto-eating practice because it "insults people's moral quality," according to the Beijing Times.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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