Written by Trayla Trash
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Topics: Hell, Extremist

Wednesday, 18 May 2005

image for Russian extremist: God made me do it!
Anatolli: "God will make the next move"

Self-styled "God's Commando" Aleksei Anatolli has claimed the fires of hell await the owners of a small rural hardware store for selling him a dud hand grenade.

Former Chechen rebel leader Anatolli (73), who lived rough for seven years in the Ural Mountains, says he is furious that his attempts to assassinate American President George W Bush failed.

Drifter Anatolli planted the hand grenade 100ft away from the podium from which Bush spoke during his visit to the ex-Soviet republic of Georgia.

It is believed he bought the Soviet-made RPG-5 from the Djanka Chain Hardware in the tiny rural village of Urechye when he passed through several months ago.

Unknown to him, fish merchant Anya Vladivar spotted him dropping the grenade and tipped off Georgian security chiefs.

A rather dazed Anatolli was subsequently picked up hiding in a communal rubbish bin can hours after the grenade was removed.

Speaking through an interpreter from his sparse police cell, an unrepentant Anatolli told Spoof:

"By selling me a duff grenade the store owners thwarted the will of God. They will perish in the fires for this, you mark my words. It was going to be so perfect. Bush would have been blown to smithereens in just a few seconds and, with him, everything that is wrong with the world.....such as bad grammar, mispronunciation and poor all-round communication skills."

FBI agent Bryan Paarmann, with the President when the grenade was discovered, said the device had been hurled before falling into the crowd listening to the US leader's speech in the capital, Tbilisi.

Georgian police officers were earlier discovered laughing at the defunct weapon whilst branding the owner "èìïîòåíòíûé óáèéöà" or "impotent assassin".

Speaking in Tbilisi, Mr Paarmann said the grenade, which had been wrapped in a handkerchief, had "simply failed to function".

"We consider this act to be a threat against the health and welfare of the president, as well as the welfare of the Georgian people who turned up for this event," he added.

Mr Bush's speech, delivered with Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili at his side, was heard by tens of thousands of people who applauded loudly.

However, Anatolli said he was "gutted" his plans had fallen flat.

"Impotent assassin indeed - I've fired more lead into more people than those morons have had hot dinners. Bush will not be so lucky next time...God and I will see to that."

He is now in talks with cult Russian tabloid "The Marksman" for exclusive rights to his story, for which he will receive a year's subscription to Marskman stablemate "Successful Assassination for Dummies".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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