In reaction to the story that Newsweek magazine ran about the Holy Quran being flushed down a toilet, Muslims in many countries are getting even by jamming copies of Newsweek into their toilet facilities. In Pakistan, a modest man who asked not to be identified said, "All I have is a very plain squat toilet, but I have obtained great joy in placing copies of the infidel Newsweek magazine in it before my daily ritual. Only a very few of my countrymen have real flush toilets to flush their Newsweeks into; I am very envious of them. Some day I hope to know the joy of flushing that wretched Newsweek down a real toilet!"
Reports are coming in that outbreaks of disease are occurring throughout the Middle East as hundreds of thousands of primitive toilets are clogging up with Newsweek magazines and the sewage is flowing in public streets. The World Health Organization has recommended that Newsweek start publishing its Middle East Editions with quick-dissolving biodegradable paper. The United Nations has begun emergency shipments of Drano and rubber toilet plungers.
Rioting Muslims have changed the calls for Jihad against the United States to demands for real flush toilets. The plumbing supply giant Kohler has sent a shipload of their latest model flush toilets to the Middle East along with 2,000 gift subscriptions to Newsweek. Not wanting to miss out on any of the new business, American Standard filed a court petition to drop the "American" from their corporate name. A company spokesman said, "It is not likely that the average Middle East man would want to sit on one of our products with our current name."
Several toilet manufacturers have signed marketing agreements with the American Flag Company to provide a genuine American Flag with every toilet shipped to the Middle East. Since the Newsweek debacle, American flags are in short supply. Flag burning is a popular hobby in the Middle East.
One enterprising Wall Street firm has started a new mutual fund that is highly invested in toilets, plungers, flags, and chemical drain cleaners. The fund is up 54% this morning in brisk trading.