Tehran - (Bleedin Cheek Mess): The entire Iranian female population has been banished to secure menstrual huts this Thursday.
Worried mullahs have warned the Harvest Moon and Autumn Equinox will make women 'so supernaturally powerful' that they cannot be trusted in public.
This year's astrological phenomena occur within a few hours of each other on the same day, prompting fears about the return of the ancient pre-Islamic goddess Al-Lat.
The paranoid stance follows April's announcement by leading hard-line cleric Hojatoleslam Kazim Sadeghi that women who dress provocatively and/or tempt others into promiscuity 'cause earthquakes'.
Today's proclamation by the Council of Guardians
orders that bloody curfew to apply from the solar ingress into Libra at 03.08GMT, through the 09.17GMT Aries Full Moon (when the monstrous regiment would be at its most satanically potent!), right through until the 22.31GMT Moon/Saturn opposition.
"We're simply taking no chances," a Health Ministry apparatchick (sic) commented as news of the Fatwa was broadcast across the nation.
All females - including prepubescent girls, menstruating and/or lactating women, pregnant females, pre-and post-menopausal women 'and any other kind of females not covered by the above' are subject to the edict which will be strictly enforced by the Religious Police.
The only exemption will be post-menopausal virgins whose validation certificates proving intact hymens have been rubber-stamped by the authorities.
News of the edict spread across the Middle East today and was widely welcomed in various hellholes where female pariah status is endemic.
In Saudi Arabia the Minister for Women applauded the Iranian stance but warned the menstrual huts 'must have proper corrugated tinfoil roofs' to deter rapacious female cosmic energy from seepage.
In Afghanistan Taleban scholars said as far as they were concerned the Mullah's orders 'should apply for the duration' - eg 30 days.
However the edict was largely unenforceable in rural Tora Bora regions 'because it would mean the menfolk would have to clean all the latrines for a month'.
Iran-based Zoroastrian sources said today 'the whole country has gpone to pot" by way of explanation.
Goga Ashkenazi is 69.