SAN JUAN DEL SUR, Nicaragua - And so starts the 21st edition of the thrilling jungle show Survivor and this installment is called Survivor Nicaragua.
Jeff Probst is once again your courageous host. Probst says that during the entire 21 seasons he has been bitten by more mosquitoes, gnats, bees, spiders, horseflies, and rats than every man, woman, and child living in Detroit combined.
This year one of the most popular cast members is Jimmy Johnson, the head coach who took the Dallas Cowboys to back-to-back Super Bowls in 1993 and 1994.
Well sad to say that right off the bat, one of Jimmy's Espada Tribe members, Marty Piombo, 48, from Mill Valley, California started badmouthing the ex Cowboy coach.
Marty, who is nicknamed Marty "The Party" because of his inclination to put away the brewski's, flat out stated that he does not like the coach.
He went on to say that he just feels that Johnson cares more about not messing up his totally white full hairdo than he does about taking one for the team by going up against molten lava from one of the dozens of baby volcanoes that surround them.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Baby volcanoes? Marty "The Party" needs to put down the bottle once in a while. Because a volcano is a volcano whether it's a baby, a mama, or a papa.]
Jeff then informed everyone about the Mystical Magical Medallion of Powerful Power which has been hidden in a good hiding place.
Right away Marty, dumb, stupid, Marty took off running and jumped in a nearby volcano looking for it.
He returned two hours later with no Medallion and covered from head to toes in dark gray volcanic ash.
Coach Jimmy went up to him and started laughing in his ash covered face. "Dammit boy, you appear to be all growed up and all, but you sure do act like one of dem backwoods Ozark Mountain younguns. And goodness gracious punk, you smell worse than the inside of Amy Winehouse's mouth!"
Marty did not say a word.
A few minutes later Brenda Lowe, 27-year-old Miamian member of La Flor Tribe waltzed into the camp with the Medallion which she said she had found in a woodpecker nest that had been hallowed out in a sequoia tree far away from one of the 'baby volcanoes.'
Brenda noticed that Kelly Bruno, 26, of Durham, North Carolina had a rather bad limp. Kelly remarked that she got it from wearing flip flops that were real tight back when she was in high school.
This year the two tribes include those over 40, who are named the Espada Tribe or Sword Tribe and those 30 and younger who are named La Flor Tribe or Flower Tribe.
The members of Espada suddenly began complaining, belly aching, whining, tear shedding, and cussing sporadically.
The La Flor members jumped up with joy as if they were collegiate cheerleaders.
Brenda was then shown going up to Coach Johnson and telling him that she is a Miami Dolphins fan. Jimmy asked "You are?" and she replied that she sure was.
Jimmy then smiled, put his hand on her shoulder and said, "That okay sweety, everyone is entitled to at least one mistake."
The Espada Tribe stood up and erupted into a chant of JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!
And now the time had come to vote someone off the island. Espada Tribe member Wendy DeSmidt-Kohlhoff, 48, from Fromberg, Montana stood up on a rock and said that she should stay because she is the only tribal member, woman or man, who does not have any blisters on her feet, mosquito bites on her legs, or bamboo scratches on her ass.
Everyone voted. And like the band known as the Association sang years ago, "And Windy (Wendy) has wings to fly" back on home to Montana!
And so ended this year's first 'happy' installment of Survivor: Nicaragua.