Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Women, Criminal

Wednesday, 11 May 2005

image for Exploding sausage crucial in criminal love syndrome
An exploding Italian sausage ripe for a fuse.

IDA, N.H. -- In early 1973 or maybe it was earlier, in 1954, an armed robber by the name of Tick lumbered into a bank in downtown Svengarden, Sweden. Firing shots as he came in, he took one women and a man hostage, strapped explosive Italian sausage to their bodies and put them into a bank vault. After contacting police, Tick refused demands to surrender and/or disarm the explosive sausages.

The standoff lasted seventeen days. Tick was arrested but a continued caring relationship on the part of his female hostage toward Tick was viewed with suspicion. Authorities were even more suspicious when they found out that the female hostage wrote love poems to Tick on the foreheads of people walking main avenues in Svengarden and she shopped endlessly for explosive sausage.

The relationship that develops between some hostages, their captors and meat that can explode is now known as "Svengarden Syndrome."

Dr. Hold Moore says that almost a million Americans every year experience physical domestic violence that results in adoration for the abuser and a craving for sausage that can blow up.

"There are millions in abusive relationships," he says. "And many have intimate violence involving explosive sausage."

Dr. Moore is considered an expert in the Svengarden Syndrome because he owns a company that makes sausage that does not and cannot explode.

"The bond that exists between the captor and the abuser can develop a need to be the victim of an explosion," Moore says. "The investment that one has made in the relationship directly impacts the ability to lust for the threatening aspects of an exploding meat, specifically, sausage."

Dr. Moore's theory is backed up by Dr. Penelope Purplehose. "It might be possible that Polish sausage can also be included in the syndrome," she told Swedish reporters who did not understand English but interviewed her anyway because she has lips the male reporters wanted on their members. "I am sure we will find cases involving big, thick Polish sausages that explode and we will find out that the Polish meat has a larger impact and may kill more people in the vicinity when it blows up."

"Some abused individuals," Moore says, "have had children with their abuser; and the explosive sausage, no doubt, played a role in the sexual behavior needed to get the female pregnant."

"Indeed," says Purplehose, "sex with an Italian sausage that might explode at any time during sex is exciting. I don't know a woman in all of Europe who hasn't had a fantasy like that. However, actually performing the act and using the deadly sausage and the abuser's member is something entirely different."

Hostage negotiators know that they don't make much progress if they argue or otherwise talk a delusional individual out of their delusion, no less adding the element of an exploding Italian sausage. Filo Denzledangle, a professional negotiator, says that even before it was identified as a specific syndrome, abusers with explosive sausages were the toughest to bring in.

"Once," says Denzledangle, "a man had fifteen hostages and a string of Italian sausages wrapped around them all. He said he would ignite the meat, kill them all and still have enough time to get home for dinner and prepare soup if we did not give him five bars of solid gold. It took many days to get him and later he was arrested for bigamy, marrying five of the hostages."

The Italian sausage has long been a popular food around the world, but the explosive kind is only recently becoming a weapon for crazed outlaws. Credit for its invention goes to Bartoni Mastrollini, a man who spent the better part of his life attempting to create a means of suicide that would not cause death. Mastrollini discovered that using a makeshift dynamite stick out of Italian sausage might work. The exploding sausage worked, except it killed the victim. Frustrated and defeated, Mastrollini sold the idea to a local criminal family who began to manufacture the exploding sausage on the Black Market.

Moore says, "We may never know why love is connected to the exploding sausage. However, if you ever put one of those beauties in your mouth before it was cooked, you have to admit there is a pleasurable lust for the dangerous."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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