Written by Bill Licks
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Wednesday, 15 September 2010

image for Britain is a huge steaming turd - says Pope Bendict
'People of Great Britain - God loves you all but wishes you'd use a bar of soap every once in a while'

After Cardinal Walter Kasper described Britain as a third world country, Pope Benedict XXX went one further by describing Britain as a huge steaming turd floating in Europe's toilet bowl.

On the eve of his visit to the UK Pope Benedict, real name Adolf Beckenbauer, revealed his true feelings towards Britain on the Vatican City's most popular early evening TV programme, The Holy One Show.

'You know when Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon - where God lives - he said 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.'

'When I land in Britain I shall say 'That's one small step for the Holiest Man on the planet, but one giant turd stuck on the soles of the red leather Papal shoes.'

The audience of senior bishops responded with stunned silence but the Pope added, 'Brothers, please, this was just a joke - although when I bend down to kiss the tarmac at Edinburgh airport I expect to get up with sweetcorn stuck between my teeth.'

The bishops began to laugh so Benedict continued 'When I look across St Peter's Square in the Vatican I see a sea of faces, when I look across Trafalger Square in London I will see a sea of faeces'

The Bishops began to applaud and whoop so the Pope finished by saying 'Maybe they should just re-name the country Great Shit-tain'

Senior Catholics have defended the Pope's comments by saying he was misquoted and the pictures broadcast on TV were the work of Satan or Silvio Berlusconi.

'The Pope is a huge fan of Britain' said a spokesman, 'In fact, the first item he packed in his suitcase was a big fan to plug into the Popemobile when he arrives in Britain so he can stop the stink of shit from going up his Holy Roman Nose.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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