Written by Karen Fish
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Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Next week is the Annual General Assembly meeting of the United Nations, to be attended by all of the world leaders including Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Today UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon released the text of the speech to be delivered by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad next week at the UN, here:

President Ahmadinejad:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Presidents and Prime Ministers, Kings and Queens. Thank you Ban. Are you any relation to Reverend Moon? I'm not against Moonies. All religions are welcome in Iran, even Scientologists. I loved 'Pulp Fiction' and 'Top Gun.' That Katie is some looker. Sean Penn went to visit Saddam but nobody from Hollywood has come to visit me. I've got a horrible reputation in the West, I think because of the western media. Look, even right now Secretary Clinton is walking out on me. Hillary, Hillary, come back, wait a second. Oh well. Maybe her secretary will tell her what I said."

"I'm thinking that the west doesn't like me because of my appearance. Image is a huge thing in politics and entertainment today. I think that is why Ross Perot and Dennis Kucinich were never elected President. Do you think that in today's superficial photo shopped world a man in a wheelchair could be elected President? I highly doubt it."

"President Obama made a beautiful speech in Cairo, offering to extend his outstreched hand of peace and friendship to the Muslim world. I'd love to meet with President Obama. I've offered to debate him many times. Perhaps that was too harsh, the wrong approach, talking about debates. I think that maybe I should have invited him for a chai latte at Starbucks, or a game of golf. I'm not bad. I'm getting there. I'm a 28."

"I'm thinking that people in the west don't like me because of my appearance. O.K. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, I get it. I'm short, what can I do? Maybe people don't like my beard, or my windbreaker. It's my golf outfit. Sometimes I don''t have time to put on a suit when rushing from the golf links to a meeting. It's windy in Iran. It's like Scotland, without the gorse. Instead we have sand, lots of sand. My sand game isn't bad. I love the flange on my new Cleveland sand wedge."

President Ahmadinejad:

"President Obama says that we should focus on whhat we have in common and not dwell so much on our differences. I agree. We all want peace. Who doesn't want peace. Thank God Barack was elected President. That McCain was insane. He was going around to Town Hall meetings singing "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb bomb Iran." Who is he, Brian Wilson? How do you think that made us feel? The US is sitting with 25,000 100 megaton nuclear bombs and this lunatic is singing Beach Boy songs about annihilating our country. We freaked. Thank God for President Obama."

"Barack is an amazing guy. What were the odds after 9/11 and in the middle of two wars against Muslim countries of a black guy named Hussein, the son of a Muslim father, raised and educated in Muslim Indonesia, becoming President of the United States of America? My camel "shnoozie" had a better chance of winning the Breeders Classic. What happened to Rachel Alexandra? Maybe Zenyatta should have been Horse of the year last year but hindsight is 20/20."

"So I'm on the fifth hole and I've got a dogleg left and I'm thinking that now would be a great time for some extreme pronation to cut the dogleg. I really need to get my right hand moving past my left hand and turning over my right hand to get my right palm facing the ground, to get my clubhead whistling through the ball, and while I'm thinking about golf pronation I'm thinking that this guy offered his hand in peace, won the Nobel Peace Prize coming out of the gate and I'm thinking there must be a way to get a siit down with this guy, so I think to myself, how about a round of golf? We can share a cart together. What's the big deal? He's worried about my nuclear program, I'll scrap it for a box of ProV1xs. Who needs nukes? They're such a waste of money, so bad for the environment. Are my troops occupying your next door neighbor? Why are you worried? We're freaking. O.K. Everybody please join me in a little song."

President Ahmadinejad begins to sing:

"Everybody, hold hands with the person beside you. 1, 2, 3:
Imagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too, Imagine all the people, living life in peace; You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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