Written by WJ Stone
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Saturday, 7 May 2005

image for Abu Ghraib General Given Stern Talking To
Investigator - "Some people pay to have their testicles hooked up to electrodes."

WASHINGTON - Brigadier General Janis Karpinski was given a stern talking to and received a nasty letter over her role in the Abu Ghraib prison torture scandal. She was also admonished by President George W. Bush "not to let that happen again." It is reported that during an exaustive investigation Karpinski giggled at Bush's pronouciation of Abu Ghraib and the word nookular. Her lawyer Neal Pukett said the letter nearly spoiled her day.

In addition to the stern talking to and nasty letter, Karpinski was demoted in rank from Brigadier General to Vice President of Outsourcing American Jobs to India for Kellog, Brown and Root, a subsidiary of Haliburton. The demotion includes a salary raise of 64 times her present salary, and was approved personally by Vice President Dick Cheney during a closed door meeting.

The talking to and letter came after an exaustive investigation which took close to 20 hours. The investigation was conducted by the Army and it's contractor, Haliburton Corporation at a cost of more than $24 million. The investigation involved driving all the way to her to her house and asking several questions. One investigator commented "We had to sit in her driveway for almost a half an hour, we figured she'd be home, but we were a little early."

In addition to Karpinski, three other Generals and a dozen other officers were also targets of the investigation. Some will be receiving letters as well, but not as nasty as the one received by Karpinski. The additional letters will be mailed as soon as the funding for postage is received by Haliburton in another no-bid contract. When asked to comment, a Haliburton executive claimed "We didn't include postage in our original $24 million investigation budget. We didn't think we would have to mail anything."

On a condition of anonymity, one investigator commented "I don't see what the big deal is, in New York City there are people that PAY to have their testicles hooked up to electrodes. I'm sure there are even perverts out there that like mock firing squad executions." The White House declined to comment on the details of the investigation.

In addition to the officers, more than a dozen enlisted soilders face prison terms of up to 40 years for their roles in the torture and sexual humilation of the prisoners. When she first witnessed the torture and sexual abuse, Karpinski stated she told the soilders "cut that out" and "quit it". She was also shocked when confronted with the first batch of pictures and commented "...ew...that's not right..." upon viewing them.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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